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February 26, 2015
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List Joke Bucket

In the website business, clicks are currency. Here’s how to get fucking rich.

  • Develop one weird trick and get doctors to hate you for it
  • Write your website’s address above a popular urinal in a respected gas station
  • Read the Buzzfeed article “14 Ways That Adding An Arbitrary Number To The Front Of Your Blog Post Will Attract Idiots To Read It”
  • Join the Webmaster’s Union and help them in shaking down non-union websites
  • Engage in conversation with commenters on your site: “WHY do you think this is gay? “HOW do you think I should kill myself?” “WHERE do you recommend I fuck off to?”
  • Show a bunch of cartoon hamsters dancing. More of them. More than that. More. Get up — I’ll do it myself.
  • Buy ad space on Ron Paul’s forehead
  • Add “…And Unbelievably Big Butts” to the end of every headline
  • When deciding whether to post an unverified news item or not, ask yourself, “Do I give a shit if I ruin someone’s life?” If the answer is no, then you probably have a successful website on your hands
  • Remember: Content is King; Keywords are Queen; and posting exclusive pictures of celebrities barfing all over the place is the whole castle
  • Constantly invite your friends to “Like” your website’s Facebook page. They can only ignore your invites for so long before they realize you’re desperate and probably don’t have much else going on in your life so they’ll be more likely to just click it and give you this one meaningless thing
  • Throw up a Pete Campbell receding-hairline retrospective and watch your numbers explode
  • Nine simple words: higher quality hidden camera footage of celebrities taking dumps
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