My Finest Basketball-Related Moments of All Times

1. In our first game of intremural ball in 2001, Earth Monster basketball lost by 63 points. I posted a game-high 21 points on 8 of 32 shooting.

2. I was part of a team that attempted to steal the game ball during the first possession. Solomon was caught before he left the building.

3. When one call went our way, I threw a chair out onto the court, Bobby Knight-style.

4. I never played a game without first warming up to Stevie Wonder’s “Sign Sealed Delivered” played on a boombox I brought for that purpose.

5. I was threatened with an ejection for attempting to wear Soffe brand shorty shorts during a game.

6. Once as an opposing player was taking free throws, the ref said to “relax on the first shot” and I laid down beside the lane and propped my head on my hands, in the attitude of classy senior pictures.

7. After a flurry of butt-pats in which players of both teams and referees were victims, I was called “The Antichrist of Basketball.”

8. I lost the respect and faith of teammates in 2006 after a win, when all I talked about was not getting enough touches in.

9. I was asked to stop pulling up for an uncontested 3 on fast breaks.

10. On a particular fast break I threw an “alleyoops” to myself, missing the backboard, sending the ball into the stands of The Ronald McDonald Memorial arena.

11. I received a verbal warning for inviting my giant brother to play one season as an enforcer.

12. In 2007 I filled an entire intramural roster with illegal players. On top of that, I called the team, “Earth Monster Season 7: The Illegal Players.”

13. I never felt remorse.

14. In high school after Jason Steele stole the ball (fittingly) from me as I brought it up the court, I grabbed his jersey rendering him immobile, leaving the ball to sail out of bounds. The absent-minded referee called the ball out on Jason. I was filled with glee.

I was banned for life from patting refs on the butt. I was just trying to get my touches in.

15. As player/coach in 2005, I benched myself for a 2 game period for talking while coach was talking.

16. I filed a grievance with the intermural sports office when my 2008 team’s lone victory, a 0-0 forfeit, was rescinded.

17. I completed a rare 5-point play, being fouled on a 3 point shot, making the first two free throws and hitting the third off the rim to myself as I stepped back to hit a triple in front of stunned players on both sides.

18. I palmed a free throw, causing an opposing player to commit a lane violation, which I pointed out to a referee who then made the call.

19. In a single season of co-ed ball, I led my team in blocked girl’s shots, which were deemed goal-tending but were good for morale.

20. I only lost one teammate ever to injury involving a dislocated arm with a bone sticking out.

21. I used to announce my stats as I earned them. "7 defensive rebounds!"

22. I once wore 14 wristbands at one time, causing my arms to look like they had leg warmers on em. I accented them with 8 fingerbands, and a couple bicep bands.