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Published January 26, 2010 More Info »
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Published January 26, 2010
Remember John Connor?

You know, the leader of that human resistance movement in a post-apocalyptic future who’s constantly trying to be assassinated by these killer cyborg robots that usually look like Arnold Schwarzenegger:

You know, he was played by a bunch of different actors, most notably Edward Furlong:

And Christian Bale:

Remember him now?

Yeah, well I’m basically like John Connor -- and that’s because me and John Connor both share one thing in common -- our hatred of machines. And although I might not be battling it out with a T-1000 in a steel factory, I’m still fighting machines in my own way everyday.

And for the record, you better start fighting too, because machines are already taking over the world as you read this. You deal with machines everyday whether it’s to pay your bills or deal with any number of services from TiVo to your cell phone provider.

Since the machines already have access our financial information, I believe they will strike at our finances first. Because of this, I have four simple rules for fighting machines when dealing with money.

1: I ALWAYS INSIST ON SPEAKING TO LIVE OPERATORS:

I can’t stand speaking with Automated Operators because they never understand what the fuck I’m saying -- and as a result, they never laugh at any of my jokes.

Once when I was trying to pay $50 on my American Express bill over the phone, an automated operator kept trying to confirm that I wanted to pay $50,000 dollars instead. Because of that, I learned that you can speak to a living, breathing, operator by either pressing zero on your key pad or saying the words “live agent.” It usually goes something like this:

AUTOMATED OPERATOR: Hello, welcome to TiVo. Lets get started.

SJFATTY: Live Agent.

AUTOMATED OPERATOR: Did you say you wanted to review your account?

SJFATTY: Live Agent.

AUTOMATED OPERATOR: I didn’t hear you. Would you like to pay your bill now?

SJFATTY: Live Agent!

AUTOMATED OPERATOR: Did you say you wanted to change your service?

SJATTY: “LIVE AGEEEEEEEENTTT!!!”

AUTOMATED OPERATOR: I’m having trouble understanding you. Here, let me transfer you to a live agent.

It’s as easy as that.

2: I NEVER DEPOSIT CHECKS IN ATMS:

For the record, I use ATMs to get cash all the time -- especially when I’m buying weed:

But getting cash is where I draw the line. There’s no way in hell I’m depositing a check into an ATM machine -- especially an ATM machine on a street corner. That’s a fucking pay check we’re talking about. What happens if there’s a computer malfunction and the check never gets registered in the system? Or what if the machine just rips the check to shreds and eats it for dinner?

Now I realize checks can be reissued, but I want my money when I deposit my check -- not a week later. In some instances, not having your money when you need it can be all the difference between life and death -- or not being able to buy weed -- and yet I see morons signing checks, licking envelopes, and shoving ‘em into ATMs all the time. I’m sorry, but that’s a seriously retarded risk. I mean, they might as well be tying their checks to carrier pigeons and setting them free.

If there’s a problem with my check, I want to be able to talk to a human being about it. This leads us to:

3: I ALWAYS USE BANK TELLERS WHEN I’M AT A BANK:

FYI – the only decent people at a bank are the people behind the glass.

They’re the honest, hard working, salt of the earth type folk. As far as I’m concerned, all the other bank employees are a bunch of slimy, sleaze balls…

And FYI again -- some of the most despicable people in the world are the assholes at the bank who actually try pull you out of the bank teller line in order to get you to use an ATM machine instead.  Someone, usually the manager or a sexy female employee, will ask you what your needs are -- and then regardless of whatever you say, they will quickly redirect you to an ATM machine.

Whenever some retarded bank employee asks me what I need to do, I usually respond by saying, “I need to talk to someone behind a piece of glass.”

One time, this gay Bank Manager at the Bank of America on Sunset was being extra pushy about getting me to use the ATM while I was being extra polite about not wanting to use it. Anyway, after like five times I finally said, “sorry, I’m an old fashioned kind of person. I’d rather talk to a human being”, and the Gay Bank Manager had the nerve to say, “oh yeah, and do you still start your car with a crank in the morning?”

And he said it with that extra snide tone that only gay guys can pull off. It really pissed me off because I’m a fucking customer, and as a Bank Manager he should have treated me with respect. I had a couple ideas of what I would have done if I had a car crank handy that day, but something tells me, he would have enjoyed it a little too much.

Anyway, what these ATM pushers don’t understand is that they’re assisting in the elimination of their jobs because if everyone starts using ATMs for everything all the time, than they won’t be needed.

4: I PAY ALL MY BILLS WITH PAPER CHECKS:

I don’t want some machine deciding when it’s time to pay my ridiculously overpriced health insurance. I want to make that decision for myself. And because of that, I insist of paying all of my bills the old fashioned way -- by paper check. But that’s more because I love using my new Looney Tunes themed checks:

So as you can see, I’m doing my part. While the rest of you chumps are paying your bills online and talking to computers, I’m the only one fighting for humanity’s salvation.

And I’m not only stopping the machines from taking over, but I’m also saving jobs and keeping human interaction alive -- which is tough because, to be honest, I hate dealing with people almost as much as I hate dealing with machines.

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