Well I am just very proud of myself right now. Up until this year, I’ve failed at every single New Year’s resolution I’ve ever made. Cut out sugar? Nope. Scale back on PCP? I actually started doing more. But, you guys, 2015 is different. This year my resolution was to masturbate a bunch and so far it’s going GREAT. I’ve been like really, really (REALLY) successful. I should have made this resolution years ago cause I am totally keeping it up! I swear to God if you check up on me in, like, October, I’m gonna be like, “YUP. Still jerkin’ it.”
It’s January 6 and, let’s be honest, most of you have already broken the resolutions you’ve made for yourselves. You said you were gonna hit the gym more, you said you were gonna drink less — none of this has happened. I, on the other hand, have FOLLOWED THROUGH. I’ve followed through in the shower … I’ve followed through at work … I even followed through at a traffic light yesterday. I am DETERMINED and I am FOCUSED. My new favorite show is just porn pop-ups and banner ads.
You think you’re hot shit cause you went to the gym twice this week? I’ve masturbated, conservatively, five billion times. And dudes, if your resolution has been to lose weight, I guarantee I’ve lost more and it wasn’t even intentional. It’s only been in 2-oz. increments but trust me, that shit adds up. (Full disclosure, my apartment smells VERY bad though.)
You’re probably wondering how long I’m gonna keep this up. Cause, let’s be real, everyone drops their resolution by like mid-January. But honestly, I think I can keep this up all year cause masturbating sincerely rules. You know that like “Runner’s High” people get when they exercise a bunch? Well cumming is similar to that cept like 100x better.
And not to get all “spiritual” or whatever, but this whole exercise has really taught me a valuable lesson about keeping promises. Honestly, I’m giving serious consideration to leaving my job at Party City and making a new career as a motivational speaker. Just traveling from high school to high school, lecturing students on the importance of stick-to-it-ness. (Speaking of “stick to it,” I’ve been sticking to EVERYTHING I TOUCH LATELY. It’s the only downside of my masturbatory resolution. I’m not even actually typing this right now cause my fingers have become fused to the keyboard. I’m dictating it all to my mom. We’re also using her computer cause mine has a fuck ton of malware on it at the moment.) [EDITOR’S NOTE FROM MOM: I AM HORRIFIED AND EMBARRASSED RIGHT NOW.]
Those of you with less success in your own New Year’s resolutions are probably dying to know the secret to my accomplishments. And I’ll let you in on a little trick: Just choose a resolution that rules. Jerking off doesn’t take me much effort at all cause I’m finding that I genuinely love what I’m doing. “Find what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Maya Angelou wrote that and I realize now it’s about beatin’ it. That’s really all there is to it — pick something cool. Like, you don’t know this but if I made my resolution “Watch all of season 1 of Friends on Netflix in a day” I would have accomplished that goal, as well.
I don’t wanna say I’m a New Year’s HERO or anything — that’s up to you guys to decide. Maybe I am, though? Maybe I’m like a role model to you? But as great as you think I am please remember I still put my pants on one leg and a time. (Less so lately, though — there’s been very little “pants putting on” at all.) So if you see me on the streets (see profile for pic) don’t be afraid to tell me I’m your inspiration and shake my hand. You’ll wanna use my left, though.