Hi, I’m Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States and, more importantly, inventor of the internet. I love the internet with all my heart (that’s why I invented it), so it really steams my yams to see Paper Magazine encouraging people to “Break the internet” with this cover photo of Kim Kardashian’s nude butt.
Well, I’ll tell you right now, you’d BETTER not break the internet, Kim Kardashian. It’s mine! I don’t know if you’ve noticed but old Al doesn’t have a lot going for him these days. I got divorced from my wife Tipper a few years back, we ALL saw how that 2000 presidential bid turned out (I still can’t hear the name “Chad” without cringing, FML [internet term I invented]), and my other pet project, fixing the environment, hasn’t exactly gone over like gangbusters. The internet is all I have left. It’s my baby — and I’ll be darned if I’m gonna let some reality star rub her fat ass all over my baby.
Sorry for swearing. But come on, Kim, put that thing away! I built the internet strong, but as we can all see, God built your bulbous posterior even stronger. The internet is just a system of interconnected computer networks, while you, my friend, are a brick house. “You’re mighty mighty, just lettin’ it all hang out.” That’s a song by The Commodores, a black soul band I listen to frequently now that Tipper isn’t around to monitor my music. I sing it to prove a point; that I, Al Gore, am a cool guy. I’m not some prude like my ex-wife who can’t handle a little nudity. I mean, hello?! I invented internet porn! I invented internet everything because I invented the internet.
Look, I get it. You’re probably saying to yourself, “Screw you, Al Gore, you old fuddy duddy!” First of all, I take offense to that, and second, just know that I’m not the only one you’re putting in jeopardy here. You know who this thing is really hurting, don’t you? That’s right; Bill Clinton. Just imagine that old horndog checking his daily twitter trends and he stumbles across that monstrous, shimmering booty. You know he loves girls with some meat on their bones, and that his heart isn’t what it used to be. This photo could literally kill him! And you know he’s gonna peek at it. I mean, if this were 15 years ago, he’d have Air Force One parked outside the Kardashian compound and be pinning a medal of honor on that thing. But these days the poor guy’s gotta sit on his hands and behave himself while Hillary runs for president. So just remember that by clicking on this photo, you’re not only breaking the internet, you’re breaking Bill Clinton (side note, “Breaking Bill Clinton” would be a funny Breaking Bad parody skit, you guys over at SNL can have that one).
So Goreheads (which I assume is the going slang for internet users), I beg you, please don’t break the internet. At this point, I don’t even know if I’d be able to fix it. The internet has changed a lot since I invented it. For one thing, Republicans are all over it, which is something I never intended. Granted, they’re bad at it (just look at the shoddy Photoshop work on some of these conservative memes), but still, point is, my baby has grown up and I can no longer protect it. The best I could do is head down the basement and fiddle with the router, but you never know if that’s gonna do anything. And besides, my job isn’t repairing internets, it’s inventing them.
In conclusion, I just wanna say, don’t click the butt, decrease your carbon footprint, and you’re welcome for the internet, which I invented. Oh, and “Lockbox” (remember that SNL skit? Shout out to Darrell Hammond, no hard feelings, bud!).