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December 21, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The Russian parliament is supporting a ban on adoptions of Russian children by Americans. Though Americans adopting Russian adults would still be okay.

A new study suggests fighting shaped the evolution of the human hand. Or in the case of the French, the human feet.

Craigslist has seen a number of ads placed for "end of the world" hook ups. People on the Internet looking for excuses to have sex? What is this, every day since the Internet was created?

Miss USA was crowned Miss Universe on Wednesday, the first American to win the title in 10 years. Up to this point, girls were needlessly thinking they might have to run for president one day.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker says he'll run for the U.S. Senate in 2014. Especially if there are any blizzards or houses on fire near it.

Sarah Palin criticized Time for selecting Obama as the Person of the Year. In response, Obama criticized her getting picked as Person of the Year by Where Do I Know You From? magazine.

Researchers at MIT have discovered a new state of matter known as quantum spin liquid. That's one small step for man, and one giant excuse to think about "Quantum Leap."

Blizzard warnings have been issued for 16 states in the Midwest. Causing many to be alarmed that there are more than 10 states in the Midwest.

Bloomberg News says gun deaths will be more common than car deaths by 2015. In other Bloomberg News, Bloomberg is always right!

Surgeons leave items in patients at least 4,082 times per year, according to a new study. In their defense, you try finding a better place to hide presents.

A group of senators are upset over how "Zero Dark Thirty" suggests torture was used to track down Osama bin Laden. Because when you enter another country and kill a bunch of people, it's gotta be done on the up and up.

The owner of the Internet-famous IKEA monkey is protesting Toronto Animal Services to get her pet returned to her. But it's not like you can just "own" Kim Kardashian.

China continues to arrest members of a group who think the world will end on Friday and that a female Jesus will appear. "C'mon, you guys gotta know I wouldn't do that," said god referring to a female Jesus.

Apple's attempt to patent the "pinch to zoom" touchscreen function was rejected. Said Apple, "Too bad because we were this *mimes pinching* close."