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March 18, 2016
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I was happy to go about my life thinking I was a young man until a woman named Filladelphia showed me the truth.

Getting old is weird. I mean, there are clear signs I’m aging (I have wrinkles on my face. My hairline isn’t where it used to be. Hangovers last forever and seem to be caused by half the drinks.) But, in my mind, I feel as young as I ever did. So it’s easy to ignore those signs and just continue through my day, blithely content in my image of myself as a young man. But that changed last week.

It all began when I decided to relax and cap off a long Saturday of Fallout 4 and bong rips with some good ol’ fashioned PornHub time. Scrolling through the selections, I saw a new video featuring my favorite actress, Filladelphia Sommers, taking on five 10" cocks at once. Nothing unusual. I unbuckled my pants and was about to go at it when I saw something horrifying.

The video was categorized in the “MILF” section of the site.

Now, I’ve been casually following Filladelphia’s career for years. She started around the same time I started watching porn. I remember seeing her first breakout role as a cheerleader sucking off the school mascot in the locker room while he still wore his bull costume. I remember watching the scene where she had her first lesbian experience. I remember watching the twelve other scenes where she had her first lesbian experience. She was young! She was cute! She couldn’t be a MILF.

But, sure enough, as I looked closely at the “bored housewife” in the video, leading the well-endowed gardening staff inside to “thank them for their long, hard work,” the truth was undeniable; this was a grown woman closer to middle age than her time on the cheerleading team. My eyes glazed over and I saw something even more troubling. There was the face of a grown man staring back at me. It was my face reflected in the laptop screen.

Filladelphia.jpg

One of Filladelphia’s older videos next to a recent one.

Sitting there, my pants at my ankles and my quickly softening penis in my hands, it all came to me: How many years it’d been since high school. How many years it’d been since college. How many years it’d been since I saw American Pie, the movie that first introduced the term “MILF” to the nation, in theaters. There was no denying it. I am not a young man.

This was a tough truth to swallow. But, I took inspiration from Filladelphia. She clearly swallowed it. And she barely even gagged. So, if Filladelphia could gracefully age into a MILF, what was stopping me?

The past week has been a whirlwind. I’ve given up the marijuana, preferring now to unwind with a glass or two of a 2005 Ch√Ęteau Lafite-Rothschild. I took the season recordings of Workaholics and The Walking Dead off of my DVR, now watching only Meet the Press and old episodes of the Brit-Com Keeping Up Appearances. I’ve moved out of the Bushwick loft I shared with six artists and have moved into a Park Slope studio apartment that I keep with my girlfriend, Emily, who I’ve since proposed to.

It’s a good life; a new phase that I find myself more and more excited to experience.

Last night, as I was looking over the 401k plan included with my new job as a North East sales representative for Penguin Publishing, Emily told me she was pregnant. We are both overjoyed.

Personally, I hope the baby is a girl. If it is, we will name her Filladelphia.

Emily and I 2.jpg

Emily and I beginning our life together.
photo by Richard Foster

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