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February 22, 2016
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For those of us who live to see red carpet walks and shiny trophy wins, how can we occupy our time til the Oscars on February 28th?

This week, awards show lovers everywhere have suffered giant, awards show-sized holes in their hearts following the end of the Grammys on Monday night and the Westminster Dog Show on Tuesday. For those of us who live to see famous people and dogs walk the red carpet and win large gilded trophies, what are we expected to do for over a week until the Oscars on February 28th (or the Independent Spirit Awards on the 27th if you are some kind of indie freak)?! Here are some suggestions for how to kill time till the next big show, and maybe blow off some steam along the way.

  • Take all your awards gowns to the dry cleaner, but let them know they can take a whole week on them since you’re in no rush.
  • Walk home from the dry cleaner. Remember, you’re in no rush.
  • Upload all your latest Mani Cam Win/Fail screenshots to your side blog, EffYeahAwardsShowManiCams.tumblr.com. Delete the .jpegs from your server to make room for new ones from the Oscar’s. Delete them all one at a time — you’re in no rush.
  • Work on your dioramii (“dioramas?” “diorama?”) of your favorite awards show moments from the early aughts. With patience, you can get the details of Hilary Swank’s backless dress just right.
  • Print a list of adjectives that might describe red carpet looks so you are one step ahead when it’s time to write live tweets and scathing comments on the gossip blogs.
  • Work on your acceptance speech in case you win a surprise award, and don’t forget to thank ME in it!
  • Learn to braid hair, the right way.
  • Learn to do fishtails, the right way.
  • Learn how to do braids and fishtails on human-sized hair, now that you’ve practiced on your dioramii.
  • Think about that time that Bon Iver won the Grammys for Best New Artist and everyone online was like “Who is Bonny Bear?” Haha! I could think about that moment forever. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was eating cheese chips.
  • Try sleeping more. Doctors recommend eight hours, but what’s stopping you from nine, ten, or fourteen? Think of it as hibernation except when bears do it all they get is spring and when you do it you get ABC’s exclusive red carpet coverage.
  • Whatever you do, DON’T stop going to work!!!! Eight or nine hours of sitting is an easy way to kill time, and who’s gonna stop you from spending that time thinking about that time at the VMAs when Robin Thicke and Miley freak danced together? Your boss? Newsflash: Bosses can’t control your mind, dude. Awards shows, though? Man, I wish they could; that’d be the best.
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