This was the final weekend of our regular seaosn, and the playoff seeding was far from finished. I think we have finally reached the point that I've been hoping for. I've run out of things to say in the intro, and I think we are far enough into the narrative where it should be that way.
I realize that for the most part I am just talking to myself in these posts and posting to no one really. But hey, it's something for me to do and it's perfectly legal to do. So eat shit. And to the ones that have been following along, thank you and I hope it's been entertaining. And now, on with the show.
Professional Blues = me (Fox)
my ninjas = black
Jack D Rocks = brown
Legion of Doom = blue
RamRods = red
Bastard Mutants = orange
T. Green? = green
AK-47 = Adam (only met him a few times and have no idea what his last name is)
CANT WAIT = turquoise
Bruce Blingstein = gray (*automatic win*)
FaNasty News Around The League (Week 13)
PROFESSIONAL BLUES (7-5, 4th) *AUTOMATIC WIN*
The Professional Blues end their regular season with a very convenient *automatic win* and will spend the week getting ready for a playoff run. I imagine PB Squad owner Fox will be rooting for the Bastard Mutants to hand T. Green? their sixth loss, which would propel his team to third place and a first round playoff matchup against the league's sixth place team (lowest seed in playoffs). We caught up with the ever-busy Fox, and he wasn't too keen on overlooking his players' performances this week. "This is the perfect time for Mike Vick to get back to 100% for the playoffs, but now it gives more time for Matt Moore to try and battle with Fitzmagic for that second starting [quarterback] spot. That's not a bad problem to have." He also challenged the players on his team that have underperformed as of late, stating that players like wideout Vincent Jackson, running back Darren Sproles, and IDP Jared Allen need to "wake the fuck up and get ready for the playoffs." This is an ideal way to cap off the season for Fox and the P Blues, but they must remain healthy if they want to be a postseason threat.
JACK D ROCKS (4-8, 9th) v. RAMRODS (5-7, 8th)
You know something must be up if RamRods owner and stone cold asshole J*** C****** made himself available for comment. And something is—his team still has a chance to make the postseason. Hard to believe, I know, but it most certainly is true. If AK-47 loses to the Legion of Doom, the RamRods can prepare for an extended season if they beat Jack D Rocks and are able to amass a good amount of tiebreaker points. In this scenario, C******'s fate will all come down to player performance. We caught up with the man himself, and he was brief, ignorant, and confident. "Who am I playing? Fuck it, I guarantee victory," said a giddy C******. JDR owner S** C******* knows his team will only be able to watch the playoffs, but he remains in high spirits. He's feeling good after playing semi-spoiler last week against my ninjas, a team that S** called "pathetic." And then S** was back to being S**. If you judge how much S** likes someone based on the things he says about the individual, then I would say he fucking hates C******'s guts. We initially called for a quick comment, and the JDR boss spent the next hour telling us stories about when C****** was in high school, some with strong parallels to the current Sandusky ordeal at Penn State University. It was a lot to chew on, so we may have to post a separate piece altogether that highlights our conversation. S** ended his call with us by saying he just had a nice and belligerent 3am breakfast at IHOP this week with longtime friend and wide receiver Golden Tate. After the meeting, C******* said there is little doubt in his mind that Tate is going to "blow the top off the record books this week." A shocking conversation to say the least, even those closing remarks. Considering the fact that Tate's quarterback is Tarvaris Whitehurst, I don't expect him to have a record book day. But I do expect him and his JDR club to cover the spread and finish off the RamRods once and for all. (Jack D Rocks -12.5)
AK-47 (6-6, 6th) v. LEGION OF DOOM (9-3, 2nd)
Win and you're in. That is all AK-47 owner Adam has been telling his team the entire week. Their fate rests in their own hands, yet Adam spoke about the fate of his opponent when we caught up with him. All he had to say was, "The demise of B** J**** starts this week." For some reason, we got the chills when we heard that. Now when we look at it being unlucky week 13 and AK-47 being 6-6 and in 6th place, it's just downright creepy. LoD owner J**** also wanted to comment on his opponent. He admitted that it was nice to have the first round bye clinched, but he would love to beat AK-47 and send Adam home packing so he doesn't "have to listen to him run his big mouth about how great he thinks his team is." This seems to be a little rivalry in the making here. I think Adam will take care of business and get the win this week, and wouldn't it be nice if these teams met again in the playoffs. (AK-47 +4.5)
MY NINJAS (6-6, 7th) v. CANT WAIT (6-6, 5th)
On paper, this is setting up to be the most entertaining matchup of the week. There are so many different playoff seeding outcomes and implications based on the victor of this bout. If E***** S******'s CANT WAIT club loses, he will most likely be eliminated from the playoffs. If D** O********'s my ninjas lose, they will surely be out of the mix. S****** told us that he is riding on a "non-drug related high" from last week's big win, but he has a little cause for concern. Like T. Green? owner Tim Podulka, O********'s great elementary and junior high education slightly worries Shaffer. But only slightly. S****** said that his team "should take this [win] with ease unless Aaron Rodgers decides to put up 50 points," something the all-everything quarterback did to CANT WAIT when these clubs first met earlier in the year. my ninjas owner Dan O******** simply reached out to us via text, and this is exactly what he said. "Win or go home, I'm after the throne, like A-Rodg in the zone; my ninjas out here, comin' out with no fear; CANT WAIT, tell ya boy it's ova, I'm the realest like Hova (Jay-Z). Leave it at dat." And so we will leave it at that. We are all about the drama here at FN, so we think my ninjas will win as the underdog and thus taint the paint on the playoff picture. (my ninjas +7.5)
T. GREEN? (7-5, 3rd) v. BASTARD MUTANTS (9-3, 1st)
We would first like to offer our sincere apologies to D** S***** and the entire Bastard Mutants organization for stating in last week's wrap up that they were in second place. They are in first...for now. Anyway, both of these teams are playoff-bound, but both would definitely like victories to ensure their current seeding. We spoke to Mutants owner S***** via telephone as he was out for a bite to eat at a local restaurant called WingzNBrew. He first asked us who he is playing, and then told us "fuckit," instead commenting on how delicious his chicken wings were. We then loudly heard him ask his waitress for a "Labatt Blue and a Natty Ice mixed together." S***** clarified his initial statement by saying that it doesn't matter who his Mutants are playing, and that Drew Brees would have "violated the hindquarters" of the Detroit Lions even if "Stomp-o-Matic" IDP Ndamukong Suh wasn't suspended this week. Before hanging up the phone, we heard S***** say "Get me another LaBatty Ice you silly bitch. Matty Ice. Damn we're good." As for the Mutants opponent this week, T. Green? is feeling very confident headed into their final regular season game. About last week's defeat to the LoD, T. Green? owner T** P****** said he "hates losing to blatant homosexuals," followed by calling Legion quarterback Eli Manning a blatant homosexual. As for S*****, P****** sad that he "had" a good team, and then ended his discussion with this riddle. When asking himself if he thinks he is going to win this week, P****** said, "You ever see a dude with a shit stain on his face fuck dead bodies two weeks in a row? Think about that one." And then he walked out of the conference room. P****** clearly thinks that Mutants quarterback Drew Brees will not be able to repeat his spectacular performance from last Monday night. It seems here that P****** feels Brees is at his best when he is most heavily indulged in necrophilia. Interesting. We, however, think that T. Green? will fall short this week, and this may even be the matchup with the largest margin of victory. (Bastard Mutants -15.5)