Shit You Need Know About Nicholas Cage

By Elton Edgar September 22, 2011 | 2,099 Views

These days it seems Nicholas Cage seems to be getting the short end of the stick...or long end if we're talking about non-consensual penetration. Regardless of which stick portion Nicholas Cage is looking fucked in our eyes. He's all poor and shit. He seems to be taking any job they throw at him (Wicker Man?!) The question is can you blame him? The guy is not only...well, Nicholas Cage but, he's... just...dammit, weird fucking Nicholas Cage is enough. He's not really threatening, nor does he seem completely trustworthy. Nicholas Cage lives in a niche' similar to the lonely weird kid in the back of the class. You know the one. He's the little guy that you KNOW you can totally break, in half...with words. He rarely makes eye contact or talks but, when he does, he tries to impress you with his "vast knowledge" of ninja skills and sci-fi weaponry. Hearing that shit you give him that look like, "Are you fuckin' retarded, kid?" but, you see it in his eyes...he's serious...awkwardly serious. Well, THAT kid...as a movie star, is Nicholas Cage.

Wanna see my ninja skills?

Spookiness aside. I feel bad for him. Deep down inside Nicolas Cage is the spooky weird kid who made good, but, he's still a big spooky weird motherfucker. Oh, I know, he doesn't usually roll with the "I AM AN AWKWARD, WEIRD FUCKER" sign dangling from his neck. He plays it down awkwardly. He puts in the effort, but, there's a shit ton of evidence to the contrary. Like...

Nicolas Cage Is A Comic Book Geek

Hey, who isn't these days right? Comic books are being made into movies, the shit is on t.v., it's on hot chicks underwear. The shit is everywhere. It's a given, but, the collecting of comic books is still a relatively geek dominated field. Not that that's a bad thing. I'd rather people collect comic books than,...I don't know...spend their days plotting against me or whacking off on my lawn. Normally, you wouldn't think of a celebrity delving into the a world largely dominated by guys like these...

Nicolas Cage wasn't cool enough to be in this picture.

Comic books are a good investment you're saying to me. Tons and tons and awesome tons of regular people buy them every day because they'll be worth tons in the future you say. I'd have to agree with you on that. They are indeed a good investment and can pay off huge with the right purchases. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Nicolas Cage. I'm talking...sub-surface creepy Nicky Cage. Why's that? Well, he named his kid after Superman...not, "Superman Cage". That would just be weird. No, he named his kid Kal-el. Superman's Kryptonian name. Yeah, creepy weird. There must be some law about child abuse via retarded naming. I'll look into that. That's weird enough but, well, a decade ago, Nicolas Cage had a comic book stolen. Whoa, not just any comic book...the comic book.

That is "Action Comics No. 1", the end all be all of comic book collecting. If you have that book, you're not reading this on a computer monitor, you're reading this from a projection being cast on the ass of a hot, busty, naked Playmate or like...a dude with six pack abs and a huge dong. I'm not sure what chicks folks go for these days...I know it's not chubby white dorks or I'd have a date. Why from a projection on hot ass? Because you can afford that shit...that's why. So, Nicolas Cage's "AC No.1" get's nabbed. A decade later it's found. A decade later. Nice. Awesome, right? Right. According to Nicolas Cage, it was "divine providence". You get that? Nicolas Cage thinks that his comic getting returned...is proof of God's presence on Earth. That's right. God did it Nicolas Cage...just for you...and your...comic book. Creepy motherfucker.

Nicolas Cage Owns Castles

Hey, what's a castle but a big ass house with stone walls bigger than my massive junk? Ladies? Hello? Anyway, really, that's all it is, right? I mean, kings ruled shit from them and want not, so, you'd expect a celeb like Nicolas Cage to maybe buy one...or invest in one at least. Maybe, turn it into a bed and breakfast or shit, hold comic book conventions in one. Sure. No. Nicolas Cage owns multiple castles. Who the fuck buys multiple castles. I think I would have a hard time justifying one castle purchase. Even after I bought it, I'd be thinking of the stacks of easy women I could have bought instead.

Hm...can't bone a castle.

No, Nicky boy owns at least two...which he never lives in. That's right! He owns castles that he's hardly ever in. What for you say? To hide bodies of course...it's all over the news. NAH, I'm kidding. I like to think that he bought the first one, put on a suit of armor, ran around it with a broad sword swinging at random shit yelling out random shit about medieval knights conquering evil hordes of some sort, in a horrible English accent. After a while, he figured, "BORING! Hm...why is it boring? Oh, because I need another kingdom to fake fight against. Fucking duh." Hence the need for another castle. He's a nerd, what do you want? Logic?

Pictured: Nicolas Cage Defending his Castle from the paparazzi hordes.

Nicolas Cage Knows "Verbal Judo"

Recently I read of a horrific story of someone violating Nicholas Cage's inner sanctum (read: house, not anus). You know the one where Nic did some "verbal judo"? No? Well, you have to be lonely and de-void of human contact to read stories like that, so, let me recap. Nicholas Cage wakes up at 2am to find a buck naked whack job wearing nothing but Nic Cage's leather jacket...and eating a Fudgesicle, while staring at him from the end of his bed. Nicholas Cage proceeds to calmly get out of bed, put on some jeans, then, CHASE THE MUTHA FUCKA INTO THE BATHROOM SCREAMING, "WHATCHOO DOIN' IN MA HOUSE, BITCH! ZOOWALLAWALLAWALLA!!!". Okay, I made up the last part. Mostly, because I find it really hard to imagine Nicholas Cage as threatening anyone. I'm thinking the guy probably figured, "Greeaaat, busted in Nic Cage's house with nothing on but, muh boner and Nic Cage's leather jacket. Mom's gonna be pissed. (sigh) Man, why do Fudgsicle's give you the shits? What's Nicolas Cage's problem? Pff...whatever. I'll be in here taking a dump. Call me when the cops come. Shit." Then, he meandered his way into the bathroom...because he wanted to pinch a loaf in Nicolas Cage's bathroom. And really, who wouldn't right? Right? Don't look at me like that. Okay, fine, how's this, if we should ever find ourselves in Nicolas Cages house at 2am, you keep the leather jacket, I'm taking a dump in his bathroom. I win!

HAAAhhhh...I sooo fucking win!

Nicolas Cage is a vampire

So, where does that leave Nicolas Cage, the divinely backed comic collector, castle owning, verbal judoist-ist? Well, maybe...the strange kid in the back of the class room might be saddled with one too many burdens. He's not a bad guy after all is he? He's not a threat really. Seriously, he's Nicolas Cage. Come on. What harm has Nicolas Cage really done? Well, according to one guy...he may have slaughtered thousands if not a millions by ingesting human blood. What the fuckin' ,fuck all is this mother fucker talking about?! Well, this...

Proof God reuses molds!

Yeah, the guy selling that picture up there on the right claims that Nicolas Cage is a vampire...or at least eternal in some way. Hey, good for you Nicolas Cage! Gather around normal non-eternal people...what we need to do now is, get conclusive evidence, then, bring in the scientists and rip ol' Nicolas Cage apart and find the source of his never aged-ness. Hahaha. Brilliant! I'll make the call...wait. You know, this explains a few things. Maybe he KNOWS the comic thing was divine providence because he has a deal with some divine thing. He's got a divine live forever...contract. Oh and the castle purchasing, right? Maybe he used to live in one of them...or BOTH! Shit, maybe he WAS a fucking knight! Oh, the implications. How long has he been alive? Fuck. Imagine the eons of time he'd have had to bone chicks. How many chicks could that be. I, mean, if he's lived for hundreds of years, that could be thousands of fine asses. I mean, all those hot chicks in the past he must have...oh no...shit...how many of our great, great, grand mothers has Nicolas Cage bumped uglies with? Oh god...how many of our great...gran...oh...no...Granny? Did Grandma get a deep dicking from Ghost Rider?! This can't be! I refuse to believe...that...oh, my god...Mom. How many Moms has Nicolas Cage banged? Oh, god...the implications. Holy shit. Nicolas Cage fucked all of our Moms. Nicolas Cage you divinely providenced, comic book collecting, verbal judo chucking, eternal...MOTHER FUCKER!