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December 19, 2011

Unattractiveness of fast food employees destroys appetites

Sometimes, fast food takeout all by your lonesome is a necessity after a long, stressful day.  Treat yourself!  You deserve this delectable, yet shameful escape from the daily grind via a lower class dining experience.  

You dropped your stupid kid off at violin lessons. You listened to your wife go on and on about how cute a new centerpiece would look in the den.  You contemplated hitting her.  Now all you need is a little time to yourself to clog your arteries and use your tears as a condiment.

It's now time for your third Wendy's appearance this week.  You pull in the parking lot like you own the God damn place.  You roll proudly up to that podium-like speaker and place your order with the confidence level of an African-American teenager.  

The order has been placed.  Juanita informs you that you can pull up to the second window to get your food.  It's almost time!  

You anxiously creep up to the second drive-thru window. You're salivating at the mere thought of that greasy, bacon cheeseburger and fries you are about to violate.  (I'm referring to eating in this context, guys.)  

You reach that final window of greatness.  You peer over to be greeted by the Drive-thru attendant.  That first glimpse is caught.  Oh, and it is quite a sight to behold.  Juanita's catterpillar-esque unibrow catches you by surprise.  Her less than inviting crustache rests docilely above her charcoal-like lips.  The glistening of grease atop the burger she wields appears dull in comparison to the shine of oil drizzling throughout her corn rows.  Suddenly, your attention is drawn downward.  Your mind is  grotesquely entranced by her clementine sized, second chin mole.  This vision of beauty is appropriately finalized with her dazzling smile which looks suspiciously like a pack of Chiclets gum-if the Chiclets were brownish in color, chipped and mostly absent.

That burger and fries combo is suddenly appetizing no longer.  Not Hungry is beyond an understatement.  You think to yourself, "Food isn't really that important.  I could go without for the rest of eternity."  

The visualization, while extreme, does serve as an accurate example.  My appetite has been spoiled on many occasions after catching a shocking glimpse of  the employees handling my food.  I'm not the only one, RIGHT?  Okay, maybe I'm just a cold, heartless person.  Whatever.  I'm over it.  

I get that no company can discriminate based on looks, but COME ON.  Is there an inbred only application process that I'm not aware of?  Either that's the case, or fast food restaurants are just hiring all of the employees who are laid off from CVS.  This is just another mystery that I leave up to The Hardy Boys.


Mike Gursky  - @gurskyman