Yesterday, everything in my life was incredibly normal. I woke up, went to my job, hung out with friends, made myself some food, and watched “Do The Right Thing” on Netflix. Nothing was out of the ordinary for old Benny Weinstein. That is, until I woke up today. I felt a little strange and thought it was all in my head, but then I looked myself in the mirror. To my complete shock and awe, I saw that the person looking back at me wasn’t“me”, but Oprah Winfrey. Oprah “motha fuckin” Winfrey.
I was confused, to say the least. How is it that I, Benny Weinstein, had awoken to find that I was in the body of the most powerful middle-aged African-American woman in the world? My best guess is accidentally cutting in line in front of a witch at Chipotle. She was reading a copy of O-magazine, which is probably how she got the idea to exact her revenge on me.But come on! It was just an over priced burrito and she was next in line right after me. Ugh…getting back on track. Waking up to find that you’re not in your body is strange enough, but waking up as Oprah Winfrey? Baby girl, that’s crazy.
I put on some clothes, and headed out the door. I watch a lot of movies, and if I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that when shit hits the fan you go to your best friend’s place and figure out what to do next.And so I did. My best friend wouldn’t believe that I had actually transformed into Oprah over night, believing that this was just another classic Benny Weinstein Prank-a-Rooney. I told him to look under his chair, and to his surprise, he pulled out keys to a brand new car parked in his drive way.
Fun fact: Oprah can make new cars appear out of thin air as long as she gives it away. How can she do this? Because she’s Oprah “guardian of earth” Winfrey, that’s why. With my best friend now believing my tale, we headed to Chipotle.
Sitting at a table in the middle of the room, angrily eating4 burritos (with guacamole) like they were nothing was my body. Or should I say, Oprah Winfrey. I sat down and talked some sense into her. Alerting her that my body just can’t take those many burritos in succession. Still, I completely understood her being so hangry. How awful it must have been to wake up not as THE proud and wealthy older African American woman everyone adores,but as Benny Weinstein, A mortal.
I let her know that the culprit was most likely a witch who frequents the Chipotle and told her to go home. I was the one with big O’s body, so it was up to me to fix this issue. I staked out chipotle until I saw the culprit came back. When she finally showed up I dragged her to a corner for questioning. She was awe struck, not at the fact that her spell actually worked, but at the fact that she was talking face to face with Oprah “based god” Winfrey. She said she wasn’t a monster, of course she’d change me back,but on 2 conditions: don’t cut in lines and sign her copy of O magazine. A hard decision indeed, I mean sure, the body I’ve been in for the last 23 years was great, but in that moment, I was greatness. I was Oprah. However, making Oprah live out the rest of her life inside my lanky Jewish male human body would be downright…diabolical. So I reluctantly agreed.
The witch told me that everything would be back to normal when I woke up the next morning. So I made keys to a new BMW appear under a chair and drove home. Sitting in my bed that night, I wondered if this day actually happened, or if it was the construct of a 19-year-old black kid’s imagination. It felt like space and time was collapsing in on itself the more I thought about it, so I stopped.
I finished watching the Spike Lee film I started last night,and as I drifted off to sleep, I had to ask myself “Did I…do the right thing”?I woke up, and as I looked myself in the mirror, I saw that everything was back to normal. I’m back in my body and Oprah is presumably in hers’. This was by far the strangest experience I’ve ever had, but you know what? I’m glad I switched bodies with Oprah, because I learned that it’s hard enough to just be yourself. Just ask me, I was Oprah Winfrey.