Hey Pope Francis, this is Frankie D, a real New Yorker through and through. How New York am I? Well, let’s see; I was born in Queens, raised in Brooklyn, and ate my first slice of pizza on the Staten Island Ferry — so yeah, I think I know a thing or two about the Big Apple, or as I call it, my kinda town.

Now, to a guy like you, New York may be the home of fancy cathedrals and fine wine dinners, but it’s also home to one of the filthiest, dirtiest, most low-down creatures known to man … and no, I’m not talking about Bill De Blasio. I’m talkin’ about RATS. Filthy, rotten, disease-ridden little bastards who plague this fair city worse than tourists holding maps outside the Sbarro’s in Times Square. And if you’re not careful, Mr. Pope, you might just end up with a rat in your hat. That’s right. Big hat like yours? Forget about it! The rats’ll be lining up to get in there, sniff around, and probably hump each other while you’re trying to give the blessed sacrament or take in a Mets game (go Mets!). Lucky for you, I’ve been dodging these disgusting little fur-snakes since Ed Koch was knee-high to a pile of pastrami at Katz’s Delicatessen — best in the city, by the way .

And don’t get me wrong, your holiness, I mean no disrespect. My grandmother from the Bronx with the rosary beads would just about spill her sauce if she knew I was talkin’ familiar to the Pope — but as a native New Yorker, I feel it’s my duty to help you avoid the ultimate papal indignity: a dirty old rat in your nice clean hat. So here are a few tips for keeping your conical head piece free of rat fleece:

1. This may sound obvious but don’t keep any cheese up there. In New York, some stereotypes are true, and rats loving cheese is one of them. They also love eating bagel scraps, greasy cardboard, wet cigarette butts, and their own young, so keep that stuff outta there too.

2. Don’t attach any pipes or ventilation shafts to your hat. I don’t know what type of cooling technology you Popes have up in those things, but if there ARE any rat-sized tubes or holes, be sure to plug them with a rag or some steel wool. These fuckers can crawl up into toilet seats now so you bet your knishes they’ll shimmy up a hat pipe.

3. This is a big one: If you drop your hat on the subway tracks, leave it. Because brother, it’s the rats’ now. You don’t want it back.

4. Pray extra hard to Jesus Christ to keep rats out of your hat. You’re the Pope, and in New York, it’s all about using your connections.

5. Duct tape the hat to your head, making sure to create an airtight seal. And if you’re worried about it looking bad, Joey’s Hardware on 5th Avenue in Sunset Park sells white duct tape now. Joey’s since passed but tell his daughter Marie that Frankie D sent you. She’s a bigger gal but real sweet.

So there you have it, Fran. Five authentic, New Yorker-approved tips for keeping rodents outta your raiments on your trip to NYC. How do I know so much about rats getting into Pope hats, you ask?

…Because I AM ONE and I’m in YOURS right NOW! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; I’m typing on a tiny laptop in your hat, Pope, and going to tons of filthy RAT SEX WEBSITES, too!

And guess what else? I’m a SATANIST! We ALL are! The only Christian rat left in the City was #PizzaRat, and he’s DEAD. I killed him moments after that video was taken, then ate his body and the entire slice of pizza right in front of his kids. What can I say? Real New Yorkers love a good slice of pizza, and we RATS are the REAL New Yorkers! We didn’t land on Ellis Island, Ellis Island landed on US! HAIL SATAN!!!

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