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March 04, 2012

Jersey Shore star Nicole Polizzi is pregnant and the end of the world is officially upon us.


Jersey Shore star Nicole Polizzi, aka “Snooki,” is now sporting a baby bump along with that infamous hair bump of hers. The suspected father is none other than Snooki’s boyfriend/Sith Lord Jionni LaValle. Although Snooki has not officially announced the pregnancy – and even denied the rumors last month, sources say that she is planning on selling the announcement (much like every other part of her soul) to Us Weekly magazine. Reports are swirling that the Jersey Shore star and TV trainwreck is going to take advantage of her unfortunate circumstances by starting a line of baby products featuring, but not limited to, hair extensions, bejeweled bottles and binkies, and self-tanner made of pureed carrots which, according to the directions, “must be fed to the baby, intravenously, seven times a day to achieve that real “Snooki glow.” Snooki is also working out details to start a clothing line for babies in conjunction with Ed Hardy who is, as Snooki so eloquently states, “designer of the century.” Snooki hopes that her plans will pave the way for expecting guidettes to let their babies be the “guidette or gorilla that they were destined to be.”

Snooki reportedly achieved her weight loss goal of 98 pounds three months ago – and clearly celebrated her victory by filling her vagina with as much semen as she could collect in a twenty-four hour period. Snooki and on-air BFF Jenni “JWOWW” Farley have begun filming their spin-off series about the transformation from the hard partying lifestyle as seen on Jersey Shore to a “transition into adulthood.” Which is perfect timing, since Snooki is 25 and JWOWW is 26. The show will feature the two women moving into an apartment and making more responsible choices. Getting pregnant out of wedlock plays a major part in proving Snooki’s ascent into adulthood and her ability to make mature, responsible decisions. Sources say that given her mental maturity being around fifteen or sixteen years old, the soon-to-be mother will be featured as a guest on MTV’s other hit TV show about responsible decision making, Teen Mom.

Snooki has many plans for the child. “We’re going to decorate his or her or his room all leopard print. It’s totally…wait. What’s it called when a bathroom is for a guy and a girl? Bisexual, right?” Snooki’s also working on buttering up roommate and renowned wall-kicker Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to babysit six or seven nights a week while she hits up her favorite nightclub in the whole wide world, Karma. “I don’t wanna be the kinda mom who can’t go to the club, get drunk off my ass, and pee on the dance floor,” says Snooki.

She hopes that the baby will be born a guidette or a gorilla, otherwise “If it’s a grenade, I’m so down to have Vinnie blow the grenade horn when we dump it off in front of a fire station,” says Snooki…and given Snooki’s face and Jionni’s apparent mental retardation, that possibility is all too likely. If the baby (who we have taken liberty to prematurely name Wooki) is born looking relatively normal, Snooki expects that it will learn all about smushing while in daycare. MTV is already working out contracts with PBS Kids for Wooki to star in a show that features babies fist pumping to Baby Einstein and smushing their dirty diapers against one another.

The labor itself will be difficult. “Snooki understands what’s going to happen,” says a close friend of the orange blob, “She knows that Italian deliveries are pretty rough. There’s going to be marinara sauce all over the delivery room. But when she sees her mini meatball, it’ll all be worth it.” Guess that’s what happens when you stick your garlic bread in the oven without first wrapping it in aluminum foil.