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October 13, 2014
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Russellville, Alabama Warren "Boilerplate" Hershel III, Republican candidate for State Representative in the 2nd District, did not set off a political firestorm when he stated that "atheists are worse than Satanists." Mr Hershel made the remark while hosting the weekly meat raffle at Christ's Baptist Church. The crowd, made up of elderly members of the congregation, simply looked at each other and nodded in silent approval. "At least you know where you stand with the Satanists," yelled out Mathew King, long time resident. "Atheists? Don't they worship Hitler?" Mr Hershel III replied that atheists do not worship Hitler alone. Rather, atheists worship a trinity much like Christians do. Instead of God the Father, there is Adolph Hitler. Taking the place of Jesus is Richard Dawkins, otherwise known as the current manifestation of Hitler. "Just as Adolph tried his best to turn Europe into a graveyard, Richard Dawkins is driving today's youth down a road that will lead them to a mass grave of spiritual death." The political climate in the 2nd district has been hotter than expected this election season. Traditionally a red district in a red state, the race has become competitive once it became public that "Bolierplate" had used the term homo sapien while addressing a fifth grade science class. The uproar led his Democratic challenger to state, "If I become the State Representative of the 2nd District I'm going to write a law dictating that no homo sapien will ever walk into a science class." After the meat tray was raffled off a voice in the crowd yelled out, "Who's the third person in the Atheist Trinity?" This caused an in depth talk by the candidate that while the Spirit of Atheism is incorporeal, he had seen a manifestation of it while he was a child. He described the vile being as "green and globby" who left a lot of gelatinous liquid in its wake. Another voice called out from the audience, "I saw that, too. It was on some documentary, and they called it Slimer." The race is too close to call at this time. What is guaranteed, however, is that the populace will get the politician it so richly deserves.

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This meat raffle is heavenly.

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