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Written by Frankie Berns
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Published June 30, 2012

Welcome to Frankie’s Guide. A wonderful article series (and sometimes video) about how to deal with the hectic shit clusters of everyday life. In this first series, I will be guiding you through how to avoid break-ins like a pro. “That’s stupid, all you need is a security system and a watch dog” you may proclaim. Well dumb fuck, if you say so. But how often does that stop a burglar? The answer is, if you have so good shit to keep safe, they’ll figure out a way to get it. I know if I needed meth money (and sometimes I do) I’ll be using my remaining brain cells to hash out a plan. This plan will obviously include casing the joint, which is the main factor of a break-in we will be focusing on because it is the beginning of a problem. And you know what they say, if you can stop it before it happens, then you are working more efficiently than our government.

Now without further adieu, here is Frankie’s Guide to Avoiding Break-ins (part 1).

There are two steps in this part one of avoiding break-ins. They are so simple, any lazy American will be willing to make an effort. Having said that, both steps barely require any form of effort, if you try. But in this case let’s give the scenario of individuals with fairly good jobs but are very cheap and, judging by the economy, don’t want to buy in a better neighborhood just yet. This is the perfect program. GET ON WITH IT… Step one: The Outside Appearance!

The outside of your house should look like shit. Plain and simple. If it already does, then great, let’s make it even shittier. No nice yard and no gardens. If there are gardens they should be over grown and probably contain some scotch broom because that plant along with every other weed in the world is like the relative you hope is gay and infertile so there is no chance of them creating life.

You can forget about garbage day because now, everyday is garbage day on your front lawn! Just dump all your crap out there! Food scraps, broken toys, used external catheters, whatever you want! Anything goes! Also add in a rusty car or two that you’ve been wanting to “fix up” for a year. Then take off a tire or two so 1: no one can steal it and 2: you know why.

As for the house itself, just hang some NRA posters on the rotten garage door and let the house paint fade into allege. Essentially your house should look like a meth operation. By doing this people will be too scared to enter the premise. “But what if the burglar is looking for meth?” Watch some God Damn Law & Order: SVU or FOX News. Everyone knows meth dealers booby trap their property to prevent the tweaked out bastards from raiding the stash. Thug needa make some moolah. By making your house look like a cooking operation, you can make an anonymous tip to the police that there’s shit goin down at your address. This way there will be constant surveillance on your home.

But while this garbage dump, meth house deal may seem like it’s all fun and games, remember, just because the outside looks like shit, doesn’t mean the inside has to too. It’s just a diversion. But if someone wants to take a peak… Perhaps just the windows should portray some sort of shit fest on the inside to match the outside.

Window accessories are important! I’d recommend some tattered window shades with dirt stains (how did the dirt get there? Well, who’s going to have a quickie on dirt?) or blankets (maybe with a sports team logo or animal face) hanging at a crappy angle for more of a ‘dirty’ person feel. Next go to the dollar store and buy a bunch of figurines and knick-knacks to display on your windowsills. It’s good to look like a hoarder in these situations. Please feel free to let the kids in on it too. Maybe get artistic with some crayon drawings on the windowpane to give off the illusion of unfit parents. Everyone knows they don’t own nice things anyways.

To top off all the outdoor shittiness, there is the ultimate lazy person indicator. “What can be more lazy than throwing garbage on your lawn?” Ha. Just the most American tradition ever; Year round holiday decorations! That’s right, tis the season to be lazy, all year. Halloween in January to Christmas in July, a burglar will not want to waste time at your house. But this still isn’t enough. Which leads me onto STEP 2: Personal Appearance.

For someone who may be casing the joint or neighbors who look sketch and are nosy, it’s crucial to also play the part of a lazy person. Although considering the fact that your house makes you look like you’re cooking meth, better add in a “dangerous” persona to your current laziness act. Clothing is really important. It’s will be your first impression, except this time instead of a good impression, we’re looking for complete and utter disgust from the other party without you even saying a word.

Never leave the house without sweats and a baggy t-shirt. That should be lazy person 101, but you know kids now days with their tight clothing, ripped pants, and g-strings. Get them from Goodwill so they are semi-warn and then gently smear the ketchup. Girls, add in no bra and greasy hair, with ketchup stains you know where. That’s extra lazy. This might not make you look dangerous but we’re getting there.

So when you walk out of your house in your… let’s call it our “Sunday best”… you already have the lazy factor going. To be dangerous, look around anxiously at everything, like you’re a paranoid schizophrenic on crack. Then begin talking to yourself, even if no one is around. Gossiping neighbors will spread the word and not only will the prospective burglars leave you alone, but so will everyone else.

To complete our dangerous persona, let’s add in a some evening activities. Every night, when you have some down time, sit on your dirty porch and drink out of a giant beer… wait. Scratch that. A giant bottle of Yeager is most acceptable. Maybe smoke a cig or some crack (hey, you play a person on/selling crack, might as well try it). Don’t forget to clean your trusty shot gun while you’re at it! Perfect, now we have a house to avoid while trick-or-treating. Be sure to get the family involved. A good way to do this can include putting a dart board on the porch, then see who can get a bulls eye with a hypodermic needle! Oh the joy of family time.

Finally, I’m not going to give you all my ideas because someday I might want to use them myself. So for my last words of Part one: even though your house will look like shit and such, think like a burglar when deciding how shitty to make it. If it isn’t something you would ever want to be caught burgling, then great! Mission accomplished. This also isn’t an idea to be acted upon in a nicer neighborhood (we will cover that tactic in part 2). Part one will work just about anywhere, but let’s keep it to sketch neighborhoods and Detroit. Lastly, please don’t forget to shower frequently. And that concludes part one, my friends. Feel free to pass my guide on to those in need.

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