"What happened last week?"
Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens: If it was illegal to have a professional football team in Cleveland, the Browns would not be at risk of arrest. Ravens by 20.
Chicago Bears at Dallas Cowboys: What’s the difference between Jerry Jones and the Goodyear Blimp? One’s an ancient gasbag that looks down on everybody. The other is a blimp.
Miami Dolphins at Arizona Cardinals: If you can see
Chuck Norris Ken Wisenhunt, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris Ken Wisenhunt, you may be only seconds away from death. Cards by 14.
Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos: I’d compare both these teams to a steaming pile of camel dung, but I don’t want to insult the dung. Line off.
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons: What’s going to happen first: Matt Ryan wins a Super Bowl or he has to shave? Falcons by 10.
New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills: If you steal fifty bucks, you’re a thief. If you steal from every NFL team, you’re Bill Belichick.
Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions: Vicious, bloodthirsty, Nordic murderers or cats. I’ll take the murderers. Vikings by 4.
San Diego Chargers at Kansas City Chiefs: Norv Turner’s not an NFL head coach, but he plays one on T.V. Chiefs by 7.
Seattle Seahawks at St. Louis Rams: Some people make their own luck. The Seahawks have the refs do it for them. Rams by 1.
San Francisco 49ers at NY Jets: See that dark cloud above Sanchez? It’s called a Tebow. Don’t worry, a Tebow isn’t a threat – well, not to the opposing team, anyway. 49ers by 20.
Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans: The stubborn dummy versus the unstoppable force. And that’s just Chris Johnson’s mouth. Texans by 14.
New Orleans Saints at Green Bay Packers: How many head coaches does it take to coach the Saints? Two: one to do it and Sean Payton to cry about how he could do it better. Packers by 10.
Washington Redskins at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Can someone get RG3PO a light saber or something? He’s getting killed out there. Redskins by 2.
NY Giants at Philadelphia Eagles: I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Giants by 456,222.
Cincinnati Bengals at Jacksonville Jaguars: In the first place God made bungling idiots. This was for practice. Then he made the Bengals. Jags with the upset.