Full Credits

Stats & Data

December 17, 2017

You will believe a grown man can dump a box of pancakes on a happy boy.

CITY: Boston, MA
VENUE: TD Garden
GATE: $145,684,321.74

I love you wrestling. You’re the only form of media that’s treated our president with the respect he deserves:

This guy can’t even sell a Stone Cold Stunner

1) United States Championship Triple Threat Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. Bobby Roode vs. Baron Corbin ©

Roode is out first with his GLORIOUS entrance, followed by Dolph Ziggler and his Create-A-Wrestler walk to the ring. Baron Corbin follows, dressed in Ivy Park. Beyonce Corbin!

Boston lets him know how they feel.

Triple threat action all over the ring and outside it.

Ziggler is on fire tonight bouncing from guy to guy like he’s a blonde pinball. He’s here to show the world!

This is a fast match with Corbin trying to fend off every pin attempt possible. He’s a lone wolf, he’ll pin himself thankyouverymuch.

Some frenzied offense with Roode getting set up for an End of Days by Baron Corbin, only for Ziggler to sneak in a Zig-Zag on the Lone Wolf for a surprise win!

Dolph was here to show the world. Now he’s just here to show the United States!

2) New Champ?

New Champ.

3) WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship Fatal Four Way: Rusev & Aiden English vs. Chad Gable & Shelton Benjamin vs. The New Day vs. The Usos ©


I gotta be honest, there are 8,000 people in the ring and everything is happening so fast I’m exhausted. But it’s exciting as hell! Even the Wrestling Vampire in the front row is on his feet.

Wrestle Vampire.jpg

Wrestling Vampire only comes out at night…for PPVs

This is a lot of work to do on Rusev Day. I hope they’re getting paid time and a half.

Now here comes Chad Gable handing out rollthrough German Suplexes to all of the TD Garden…watch him PANCAKE Big E:

But The Usos are champs for a reason! And that reason is being smart enough to take the advantage when it comes.

Gable, stamina meter at 0 after suplexing all of Boston, eats a pair of Air Force One kicks to the dome then a splash from the top rope.

The Brothers Brothers sneak in a pin before the rest of the roster can recover.

Steal your friend’s WWE Network password and watch this match. This is the kind of thing that leaves Dave Meltzer sitting in a puddle of his own excitement.

4) Still Champs?

Still Champs.

5) WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship Lumberjack Match: Natalya vs. Charlotte Flair ©

While Nattie is looking for her rematch for the title the real story here is outside the ring - Ruby Riott and her Riott Grrrlz have been beating the horsefeathers off the entire Women’s division over the last several weeks.
I wonder how long until they become an issue in this match? I’ll say five minutes.

Welp, there you go.
The Friends of Flair try to keep it evened up until all heck breaks loose outside the ring.

In the chaos, Carmella sneaks in the ring with her briefcase! Ms. Money in The–

Nope, Ruby Riott beats the crap out of her. Back to the outside!

Ms. Flair, can you please do something about these kids on your lawn?

Thaaaaaaank you.
A quick turnaround and Nattie taps out to the Figure Eight, giving Charlotte the win.

6) Still champ?

Charlotte Wins.jpg

“This was an appropriate amount of fair to Flair!”

Still champ.

7) Breezango vs. The Bludgeon Brothers

Earlier this week, EXCLUSIVELY on YouTube, The Ascension convinced Breezango to finally face The Bludgeon Brothers in the ring.
Did the Bludgeon Brothers destroy the Fashion Files offices? Will the Bludgeon Brothers finally kiss during their entrance?

So many questions!

And literally no time to answer them. This match lasts a minute as Breezango get swatted around like gnats.

The Fashion Files is cancelled. FOR BLUDGEONING.

8) Randy Orton & Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn

OMG Daniel Bryan is back in a WWE ring!

OMWait, he’s refereeing.

OMWait, he’s the…second ref?

Oh and if Kevin and Sami lose they are EXILED from the WWE Universe, doomed to float in nothingness forevermore.

Immediately this is a problem as Shane and Daniel both try to count pins then stop. If one of them gets a two count and the other gets a one count, does that mean a three count?

Eventually they decide they’ll each ref a half of the ring like brothers dividing their bedroom. Also the floor is lava!

House of Horrors, Punjabi Prisions…respect to Orton for just being like “LOL whatever” to stipulation matches in 2017.

The crowd tries to get into this but it’s so…confusing. No one really knows what is going on.

It’s taken Boston out of the match. They sound like they’re watching 205 Live.

I want to add some highlights but it’s mostly just this:

Well fortune smiles upon the Super Best Friends as they hast discovered: a table! Kevin and Sami set up Nakamura to go through an announce table as Shane and Daniel argue over whose stripes are bigger. Meanwhile Owens SPLASHES Nakamura from the German announce table.

Orton gets Sami back in the ring and hits his Signature Snek Spotz - powerslam, hangman DDT, RKOOOOOOOOOOO! The Viper is sneked over 9000!
Shane counts a two but Kevin shoves Bryan into Shane, stopping the count. NOWWWW the ref screwiness is starting to make sense.

The refs argue until Zayn and Orton trade small package pin attempts. Sami gets the best of it but Shane STOPS at two. No accident here, Shane deliberately tried to screw Sami Zayn! That is INZAYN.

Daniel screams “NO!” like it’s 2011 and the refs are in each others’ faces. Sami rolls up Orton and Bryan, in a huff, counts a quick pin. Orton takes the pin. Where was Shinsuke, polishing his jacket?

The early confusion was…confusing. But it helped elevate the later confusion making it…less confusing. I think. I dunno. What I do know is The Sami and Kevin Show lives on!

9) WWE Championship Match: Jinder Mahal vs. AJ Styles ©

We are in the home stretch here. After all that screwiness it’s time for the Modern Day Maharajah’s championship rematch.
It’s power versus finesse and Mahal is tossing around AJ, throwing him around focusing on them McRibs.

Mahal has a real slow, power style that SHOULD annoy the crowd and SHOULD annoy his opponents. He’s an old school heel and he tells old-school stories.
These brown tights make him look like he S’d his P’s though.

Styles shoves Jinder off the top rope and begins a comeback but those ribs are still a problem!

This is all Mahal. The announce team is really putting over Jinder as a main eventer tonight. Which almost guarantees he’s losing lol.
Styles hits a 450 splash but before he can pin Mahal the Singh Brothers try to drag their captain out of the ring. Styles takes out both on the outside and eats a Kallas. AJ, however, kicks out, so he tries a taunt steal and sets up a Styles Clash, but AJ flips it into a Calf Crusher! That leg is gonna be hamburger meat!

With nowhere to go, Mahal taps out and the champ gets to keep his pants up with that fancy belt for another day.

10) Still Champ?

Still champ.

A mad hot start - THAT FOUR WAY TAG MATCH - carried the crowd through the rest of the show.
The “Yep Movement” tag match ended well and put into context a lot of confusion that genuinely just confused the crowd until that point.

People hate on Jinder too much and he really looked good tonight. AJ Styles is AJ Styles forever and ever amen.

WWE is back in 2018 with the Royal Rumble, aka the first stop on the Road to Wrestlemania. Bring gas money!