Unless you work at a car dealership that celebrates an annual Christmas in July, it’s the time of year for your company’s Christmas party. It goes without saying that there are many dangers associated with this festivity, but there are some that must be avoided AT ALL COSTS. No amount of eggnog, snow (blow), or Christmas cheer (blow again) can justify committing one of these Feliz Navidon’ts.
Too Much to Drink – An open bar can be your worst enemy at a Christmas party. That’s why it’s important to employ a fifteen drink maximum. This cap will keep you in the acceptable inebriation zone of tearfully pleading your boss for a raise while wetting yourself, but prevent you from nauseously demanding a raise from the DJ while crapping yourself.
Pissing Off Santa – Many companies will hire Santa Claus to make an appearance. Do not fuck with him. Sure, it might sound funny to fart when sitting on his lap, but that shit will get you on the Naughty List so fast it’ll make your dreidel spin. Yes, I am telling you that Santa is real. I’m also telling you that this will be his 794th party this week, so the man will be cranky and it would be best just to stay out of his Goddamn way.
Leading Christmas Carol – You don’t know all the words to “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and nobody wants to sing it. Seriously, tell me what #9 is. Can’t do it? It’s “ladies dancing”. And I know that just reminded you about how much you like Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, but do not sing that, either. Also, you are erect. Stop thinking about the video.
Murder – You’ve probably already thought of all the possible one-liners to say before offing Mike (that asshole who’s given you the nickname Snuggles) but that doesn’t mean tonight is the night to take his life. As good as it would feel to say “Happy Fall-idays, asshole” and then kick him out a window, trust me, it’s not worth it. Best case scenario, a hairy man named Rudolph works you over with his candy cane and sleigh balls in a prison cell. Worst case scenario, the Ghost of Christmas Mike comes back to haunt your with a new nickname—Ebeweiner Spooge.
It’s important to point out that “Having Sex with a Co-worker” did not make this list. That’s because sex is awesome. You should have it as often as you can with as many different partners as possible. A secretary? Your power hungry boss? The intern you know only as “bagel guy”? Why not? After all, Christmas is the season of giving (and receiving).
My name is t.j. and my Christmas party is at the unemployment office.