When it comes to America and it being an obese nation, you can boil it down to one fatty substance; ranch dressing. It should be fucking illegal for there to be a product that tastes good on absolutely everything. When, who, what, how did this happen? First, it was just s simple salad dressing. Go out to the local Olive Garden (where dreams are butt-fucked) and order a good ol' salad and a sandwich. Ranch dressing was just fine, being used as a simple dressing. So let's rewind this so called "video tape of life" and try to figure out when this whole "ranchapalooza" started.
We'll back it up to the late 90's. Jon Doe, probably drunk as a skunk (by the way, that phrase makes no sense because skunks don't drink! Silly Sallys) comes home after a long night of chuggin booze and cooks up a nice, tasty frozen pizza. Now, we as Americans know that there is nothing more depressing than cooking up a piece of dick frozen pizza when you get home after a night out on the town. SO Mr. Doe decides to spice things up a bit and pours some ranch dressing to dip his depressing deepdish into. At the same time, this guy has to go to work in the morning at Pizza Hut... and this is where the cat crap hits the fatty fan.
The next morning, he tells everyone working at Pizza Hut that he has discovered a goldmine of tasty mouth orgasms in the form of ranch dressing. At first, the employees and manager don't think anything of it, because everyone knows that Mr. Doe is a Fatty Patty and will eat anything when he's drunk. As time goes by, people start coming in, demanding ranch dressing for their pizza. As word gets out, other restaurants and fast food chains realize what ranch dressing can add to their greasy food. Once fast food places discover ranch dressing as a dipping sauce, the world as we know it turns head over cankles.
A few years pass, and every place, from Burger King to Jack In The Box has little packets of ranch dressing for their lovely customers to drown their sorrows in. People ordering anything from chicken nuggets to tacos, asking for ranch dressing on the side. Managers and owners go with it, because its bringing in more customers. So, every pizza and fast food chain serves ranch dressing as a dipping sauce, and the nation starts drinking that fatty shit down like god damn water.
Now it's 2012, and we are still dipping everything from french fries to French guys in ranch. Want a greasy double cheeseburger? Add some ranch. That's like adding crack to your heroin. Want a meat lovers pizza? AND RANCH? Might as well ask the person behind the counter to punch you directly in the throat followed by a swift roundhouse kick to the chest. So people, citizens of America, if we want to live a happier, healthier life, we gotta storm the gates of Hidden Valley and other ranch dressing manufacturers and demand this nonsense to stop AT ONCE!! OH F.Y.I; wanna know the ironic thing about this article? I wrote it while eating a big plate of tater tots with, you guessed it, some ranch dressing to dip those little warm salty fucks into.