My Friends Come To Philly”
My attempt at replicating a Tucker Max story. Only I don’t fuck hot girls.
You know how I said in love your country fear your government (which I posted Thursday night) that I never wanted to miss my train. Well sure-ly-fucking-enough Friday morning I show up to the train station at 10:56am and not a person in sight, just tumbleweeds blowing across the parking lot. I ask the polite and dumb as shit Septa creature, oh i mean worker, if the 10:55 train came yet and IT replied oh yeah dat cam like three minutes ago he he you missed it. What kind of train shows up early? Is this America? I thought everything was late here..Well no point in complaining now, its not like it’s going to bring back the train anyways. “What time does the next train come at mam?”(and by mam I meant you foul creature that crawled up from under a bridge) “12:58”. Jesus that’s 2 hours away. I need a drink of something strong. So I guess I have no choice then to go back to my aunt’s house unless I wanted to sit at a train station for 2 fucking hours. I’m pretty butt-hurt at this point so after 2 hours of lollygagging I get on the next train to philly.
I’m in philly waiting for my friends from home to show up, I’m hungry, completely cranky, and not wearing clean underwear. To make matters worse, I walk to my friends house who refuses to feed my mooching ass anymore and tells me that if I want food that I have to go up to the school cafeteria. No one likes school food as it is and the bastard wouldn’t even give me one package of ramen noodles. I knew that if I were going to ingest any more school food my ass would make a mess of any toilet in the future. So after watching 2 (very) good episodes of boy meets world, my butthurt-ness starts to recover from missing my train and then I decide it’s time to skate up to the Student Activity Center. As soon as I get there I set my shit down at some random table and walk in and get the most filling option available because I know I’m going to be getting crunked later (chicken cheesesteak with buffalo sauce and tator tots). Come back out and sure enough my only possession worth any money is fucking skeeved right from under my nose. How could I be so dumb? To leave my skateboard on an open table in north philly and think hey no one’s going to steal this everyone here is white and raised by good parents. Nah, some prick saw it as a good shiest and he got me good. As soon as my butthurt-ness starts scabbing up after missing my train this shit happens and I’m right back to being the most butt-hurt kid at Temple…again
Now I’m just completely miserable and to make matters worse I’m completely fucking broke and skateboard-less. If I had money after walking out of the SAC I probably would have went to closest drug dealer and overdosed. All this shit happened around 3:50ish in the afternoon and I say this because I had every intent of going to my 4pm class that was a mandatory class to go too, there was no way in hell that was happening after going thru all this chickenshit horseshit. So back I go to my friends house and started pounding anything with alcohol in it because it seemed like the only logical thing to do at the time.
So after catching a buzz and bitching for the next 7 hours skeeve-nation showed up with a case of Oktoberfest and 4 bottles of Doctor M, my kinda peeps. One of those flavors being Apple Pie that I might say is just proof that God loves us and wants us to get drunk. These were my real friends that were coming so I was really stoked to see them. They were the kinda friends that had your back even if you were wrong and out of place. The kind of friend that wouldn’t go behind your back and fuck your girlfriend. I should probably give you a brief rundown on the posse I was rolling with in North Philthy:
-There was "The Rock" who was as country as Toby Keith and as metal as Kid Rock (hence the nickname). The Rock was a real treat because he spits chew spit everywhere and on everything and lacks a filter between his brain and mouth when it comes to girls. He doesn't think much as it is but when he does he thinks out loud. Things like "nice cleavage" "big booty hoe" "nice shoes, wanna fuck?" are all common things you'll hear come out of his perverted mouth. He wears motocross promoting t-shirts so no one has any idea what the hell his shirts say. Oh and my personal favorite saying, "I'm a lesbian trapped in a mans body." Yeah to see The Rock wander the streets of Philadelphia was a gift. He wore shitstompers that gave him an extra 3 inches so he was a tower. He left people speechless and if they dared to say something back they would be verbally assaulted by the next dude.
-The next friend was "RNH" and if you have to ask then don't worry about it. RNH was just as vile as The Rock if not worse and likes to get very and I emphasize very, drunk. Which is a characteristic I can appreciate because I too like to get shithouse drunk. It took less than one hour for RNH to launch a bottle of beer across diamond street into a church where the bottle miraculously didn't break after hitting the door but only ricocheted it backwards at the speed of light breaking now into a million pieces right in front of a local. Take a deep, long, hard thought about what a "local" looks like in north Philadelphia at 10:45 at night (hint: he wasn’t white or friendly). I'm definitely getting arrested was my initial thought then I realized the local and thought I'm definitely getting stabbed. I turn to look at RNH and sure enough the sociopath is laughing his drunk ass off. I guess this was his way of marking his territory.
-There also was The Farmer and Marley who were more relaxed and didn't do anything dumb or cause a ruckus. They were enjoying themselves and their buzzes while RNH and The Rock wanted to rape and pillage everything in sight. If you walked past either one of the dynamic duo known as RNH or The Rock and seemed to be happy, you wouldn’t be after walking past them. Though The Farmer assured me at one point that his fists were skull crackers and that if I were to get into a scuffle he would punch someone right in the temple. Definitely someone I wanted on my side.
Anyways, without having any parties to go too we still get completely bombed as quickly as possible and make the choice of walking the streets of North Philly. So me, RNH, and The Farmer hit the streets without having any destination to go. This was fine by them because they were in new territory and the streets are packed with drunken kids everywhere. I went over to another friend’s house because I had nowhere else to take these drunken buffoons. As soon as I get there I notice 2 kids kicking a soccer ball back and forth enjoying themselves. Good vibes where here, there was a party in the backyard, people outside, a block party going on a good scene to be at. All of a sudden some drunken blonde kid (not me) comes outta nowhere and starts kicking the soccer ball back and forth with my other friend. At first my friend was a bit hesitant and I don’t blame him. The next thing I know I turn my head and that blonde kid picked up the soccer ball and punted it like an NFL Kicker onto my friend’s roof. As I turned back to say what the fuck to the kid he was running literally like forest gump up the middle of street with no intentions of looking back. Too lit to chase the kid, I get this brilliant idea that eventually would change The Farmer’s and RNH’s time in philly.
So after the asshole kicks the soccer ball up there all I want to do is help my friend. You could tell he was pretty pissed about this just by his body language. So I offer to him, “Hey man maybe it rolled off over in that jungle there, I’m going to take me and my 2 buddies over there to see if it did.” Needless to say the ball wasn’t over there but we were walking around giant weeds in the middle of the city. It was as if philly had a Jurassic park for one lot and it just so happened we had stumbled our drunk asses in this lot. RNH fell which eventually lead to him getting poison ivy on his face and The Farmer got purple shit all over his jeans. It literally looked like a three year old took a purple crayon to his jeans having no intention of drawing something specific. Both people would suffer the rest of their visit in the philth.
Upon exiting the jungle, we decided it was best to go back to where we were crashing at. When we got back, two girls were exiting and made a terrible decision to introduce themselves to us. I quickly invited them downstairs to have a drink (and fuck) but that quickly turned into us being complete dicks. I can’t remember specific details about this part but I remember telling them my name was Joe Howard. The girls picked up on us being sarcastic dicks the whole time because every time they said something we either mocked them or said something completely weird that just left them shell-shocked. About 15 minutes after them leaving I hear screaming and roaring coming from upstairs. One friend runs downstairs and says come outside, everyone come the fuck outside. I can tell he means business.
I walk outside and what I saw was fucking awesome. After stampeding up the stairs with The Rock, RNH, Marley, and The Farmer I’m staring anarchy right in the face. This is how it went down by my account:
When I got to the stoop there was this one kid who was starting shit with another. Both kids had separate groups of friends which was only building tension between the two groups. The kid who wasn’t starting shit realized that his opponent was a very weak and fragile man and that one good clean shot would send this boy to the hospital. Using common sense he backed off and crossed the street. When he crossed the street he came in front of our stoop. That kid goes man I should have killed that kid I could easily take him. My other friend says well you didn’t and that makes you a bitch. The kid responds well should I kill him? My friend says yeah if you don’t that’ll make you look like a pussy. Before my friend could even finish the word pussy the kid was sprinting back over the street. About 4 young male adults started swinging violently at each others faces. I noticed that same friend recording the whole thing and screaming shit like “Yeah! America! That’s America for ya! Say hello to America for me!”
In that minute a deep philosophical thought hit me. I had previously thought that all Vikings were extinct. That, Vikings were vanquished from the world and that they’d never been seen or heard of again. Then I realized that this was not true and that Vikings must have settled in forest city during the middle age. This whole fight could have been completely avoided. Once the word pussy rolled off my friend’s tongue that kid was running over and punches were being exchanged. It was a riot. Two gangs of punk drunk college students punching each other and over what? Maybe they got in each others way? Who cares it was funny as hell to watch. Even 1 girl got this brilliant idea to get in the middle of it because she thought she could stop it. She too received a blow to the face which instantly dropped her. I’m pretty sure she caught the punch with her jaw because when she finally got back up and started walking, she was walking all fucked up.
After enough fun and entertainment for one night it was time to go to bed. So Marley and me hit the shoe express and walked over to another friends house were we crashed. The next day I woke up and walked back over to the where RNH, The Rock, and The Farmer were sleeping. I got inside the apartment building and checked the door to my friends apartment and it was unlocked. As soon as I opened the door and went around the corner it was like getting sucker punched in the nose by an enormous fart. My friends all laying on the ground in the basement cackling like hyenas knew that there farts have been mustering down there. These guys must have been farting all night and that fart built up into a mega fart waiting to hit anyone who was an outsider. That outsider happened to be me Marley. It was like sitting in a giant fart cloud because the basement had no circulation but just butt cheeks pushing gas out of them. It was stale and humid in the basement which only made matters worse. Dutch oven upon Dutch oven left the basement crippled like ground zero.
I then woke up all those dipshits and made them go to Temple’s cafeteria to share with them some extravagant exotic food. They were not pleased in the least bit and no one could finish one whole plate of food. The cheeseburgers were like taking a bun and placing an ashtray in the middle of them. Everything else was flavor-less as well. However, this was not the only college cafeteria we ate at that day. Another hearty meal of college food was consumed at beatville (West Chester). God do I fucking hate West Chester. I could not believe I had agreed to going back there but I was with a bunch of goons so I wanted to see if they would share the same views as me about that dump. I was given the same rule as last time I was there which is not to talk to my friends ex-girlfriend and if I see her pretend she doesn’t exist. The second we walk in the cafeteria Marley notices her. This leaves my friend in awe yet again and leaves me bubbly. We pick a table not to far from her and just be ourselves, loud, aggressive, not giving a fuck, farting. Anyways that pretty much sums up our trip to beatville.
Saturday night was pretty fun as well. It was more relaxed for the most part until we got all buzzed up. In no means necessary am I saying I’m tall, good looking, or even close to being average height but picking on short-er people seemed to be the theme for the night. After a couple walked by us while we were front stoop chilling I thought it would be funny to say “What’s up shrimp?” He pretends to ignore me. “Hows the weather down there buddy?” Incase he didn’t hear me. The girl responds, “You guys are SO FAGGITS!” Nice grammar hunny. “Oh yeah? And he’s SO SHORT!” Another group of girls walked by to stop at the local church and take a picture posing in front of the church’s door for a new facebook default or for insta-fag. I really let them have it too. At first I was showing them some hospitality by offering them free beer and weed hoping they’d come over and we could pork it out but they rejected both. Not taking rejection well I then said, “God won’t forgive you for your sins but we have free coke!” The girls then told me to fuck off.
After fucking off we met another group of girls. Only two of them but they were a lot more pleasant than the other groups of cunts I was dealing with that weekend. I’m not sure how we lured them over but they eventually bit the bait. One was a tall, slender German with dark hair who said the word nigger a lot in a place full of em. That got my friends attention really fast. Needless to say all my friends had some pretty big chubs. I have to admit too that I was impressed. We made fun of frat boys, typical college douche bags and all sorts of other shit. The other one wasn’t that bad. She was about a 4 with really big knockers. Perfect material when your shithoused drunk. Thinking I needed to get a nut I offered them a beer and after rejecting free beer 5 hundred times they finally accepted it. After that I kept hinting that it was cold outside and that they should come down in the basement and drink these beers. They politely said no because their friend was being a cock block and lost at some dumb ass frat party. Whatever they left.
So me, The Rock, and The Farmer thought it would be a good idea to make one last memory by walking to 7-11 to buy cigarettes, food, and other drunk necessities. The whole way there and I mean thee whole entire fucking way from the chamber of farts to 7-11, The Rock let every person, black or white, tall or short, fat or skinny, have it verbally. It didn’t matter if they outnumbered us, out muscled us, out weaponed us, out everything us. The Rock was batshit crazy and piss drunk. A deadily combination so he went out in style. I didn’t have much to do but laugh and try and calm him down but at one point I just gave up and let him reign hell.
After getting back to the chamber of farts it didn’t take too long to pass out. The Rock and RNH still set on fucking with everyone decided it was our turn. They rang the doorbell oh I don’t know probably five thousand times. Making everyone in the chamber of farts extra cranky because not only were we bathing in a basement full of farts we now were getting a high pitched scream in our ears while we were trying to sleep. Eventually they cut the shit like 3 hours later and we all went to sleep…when the sun came up.
All in all we had a pretty good weekend and everyone got their fair share of laughing in at other peoples expense.