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July 18, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Yahoo's new CEO Marissa Mayer announced she's pregnant. Sadly when that child grows up, it will never be as popular as Google's.

Mayer stated, "My maternity leave will be a few weeks long and I’ll work throughout it.” Women, am I right, guys?

Barack and Michelle Obama were booed for not kissing at a basketball game when they were filmed by the Kiss Cam. Kiss Cam operator Gene Simmons was particularly angry.

The Boy Scouts announced it would continue to prohibit gay scouts and scout leaders. Which sounds unfair until you find out bears go crazy around the scent of tolerance.

A Daytona Beach strip club owner was invited to speak to Minnesota Vikings players and warn them about visiting establishments like his. Joining him was the CEO of Applebee's.

The FDA has given approval for the first time ever to a pill that reduces the risk of HIV infection. The FDA gave special thanks to Magic Johnson for testing it for the last two decades.

A politician who defected from Syria's government warned that the military would use chemical weapons if necessary. But would Syria risk the world community stepping in and saying, "What the eff, bro?"

NASA scientists are developing a menu for astronauts who will travel to Mars around 2030. They say the meals have to be nutritious, compact, and disgusting to the creatures who roam the planet's surface.

A kitten was found alive in a shipping container that traveled from Shanghai to Los Angeles. But that's Chinese dock workers for you, always misplacing their lunch.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told the Senate Banking Committee that “economic activity appears to have decelerated somewhat." Causing both the senators and the chairman to give each other a look that said, "So what do you want to do about that?"

Michael Vick has written a book about his experience with dog fights. Fans can visit Amazon now to pre-order "Dog Fighting: Man, That Was Fun, But I Like Playing Football and Making Money More."

The French city of Angers is asking for the UK's Crown Jewels for executing Earl Edward Plantagenet 513 years ago. The city is so upset that they're even considering changing their name to Very Angers.

While discussing his presidency in an interview, George W. Bush said, "Eight years was awesome and I was famous and I was powerful." And don't even get him started on all the skateboard tricks he learned.