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March 01, 2009


An exclusive interview with Dave and Marisa, by Dave and Marisa, via Gchat.

Dave:  Hi Marisa
Marisa:  HI DAVE!!!
Dave:  We are blogging for Funny or Die this week, huh?
Marisa:  Yes!  We made it!
Dave: Finally, I can retire! I'm going to buy that boat that you're supposed to buy when you retire.
Marisa:  We can sail on a sea of cash and steaks!
Dave:  So I guess my rent just gets automatically paid? Is that how it works?
Marisa:  Yeah, I think they directly deposit those benjamins right into your account. Or maybe they directly deposit them to the boat store
Dave:  Okay, I'll make a trip to the boat store tomorrow. in the meantime, let's blog!
Marisa:  you're right.
Dave:  We have a regular blog, do we not?
Marisa:  we do! Dealbreaker!
Dave:  If the average Funny or Die visitor wanted to read it, where would they go?
Marisa:  Surf the web right on over to www.dealbreaker.tumblr.com! So, let’s get real.  Why did we make this blog?
Dave:  I'd like to think that we created Dealbreaker as a direct response to some of the dating disasters we've experienced as young Hollywood royalty. Right?
Marisa:  Exactly. OH! Did I tell you about the guy with the eggs?
Dave: No?
Marisa:  We met for a morning date, which is already weird.
Dave:  oh yeah, too bright.
Marisa:  yeah, not sexy. So he orders fried eggs (real runny yolk), sausage and pancakes.
Dave: Sounds great?
Marisa: NO! This JERK puts his runny-yolked fried egg on top of his syruped pancakes and pierces the yolk so those perfect pancakes are left soaking up disgusting yolky fried egg yolk. I had to watch him eat like a pig for thirty minutes.
Dave:  I mean...that's pretty gross.
Marisa:  I can't watch a husband eat eggy pancakes for the next 50 years!
Dave:  i dated a girl who lived under her bed.
Marisa:  a monster!??!
Dave: She lofted it and sat under there with some scarves and rugs and an old lamp.
And lots of old dusty books. And weed. LOTS of weed.
Marisa:  sounds like a sexy gypsy
Dave: You could say she was the original witchy woman
(if Stevie Nicks never existed).
Dave: Either way, I think we can both agree, we've dated some duds.
Marisa:  True. But, does this mean we are too judgmental to find happiness?
 Dave:  It means we will sit in eternal blog judgment. OR it means that we'll get a lucrative book deal and get rich! And then, we'll be able to afford some sweet arm candy.
Marisa:  Toblerones are my favorite candy.
Dave:  I like Whoppers.
Marisa:  I want the man equivalent of a Toblerone. Prince Harry?
Dave:  Oh. I'm just going to date a box of Whoppers. I guess I don’t understand my own metaphor.
 Marisa:  at least you know she will PUT OUT (you can eat candy).
 Dave:  Yeah, I’ll treat myself. I deserve it.
 Marisa:  Speaking of treating ourselves, I am going to go get ice cream.
 Dave:  Oh, okay!
 Marisa: All eligible bachelors please report to Scoops at Melrose and Heliotrope in Los Angeles, CA!
Dave: Sounds great! 
Marisa: Is there anything we missed? Anything we should talk about?
Dave: Um, I have a question.
Marisa: Shoot.
Dave: how is it being a girl? That must be exhausting.
Marisa:  Being a girl is a nightmare
Dave:  I knew it!
Marisa:  You have to come up with clever outfits all the time.
Dave:  oh yeah that would drive me insane. Like, sweaters? And, Makeup?
Marisa:  yeah, those! Sweaters, makeup, hairstyles.
Dave:  ugh so confusing
Marisa:  nail polish, eyebrows, leg shaving, exfoliating, waxing, lotions.
Dave:  So, it's like, “does my sweater match my makeup?”
Marisa:  Exactly. Does my lotion match my eyebrows?
Dave:  "I'll be right down, Bobby, I'm just putting on some argyle lipstick."
Marisa:  Yes! That’s why I am always late!
Dave:  i knew it! That's why Bobby broke up with you
Marisa:  Bobby was a dick. Is it hard to be a boy?
Dave:  it's so hard. You have no idea. I am required to eat so much chunky soup, and it usually gets in the way of all the football sports I have to play. Factor in playing in the mud, and I've got a full schedule!
Dave: Also, killing spiders and sitting in a recliner.
Marisa:  sitting in a recliner?? Just sitting?
Dave:  well, in my house, it's called the bro-zone.
Dave: "If you need me, I'll be in the Bro-zone" (it has a cupholder)
Marisa:  Ugh. You are a dealbreaker
Dave:  you're the one who wears argyle lipstick
Dave: YOU are the dealbreaker.
Marisa: and together, WE ARE DEALBREAKER!

Goodnight, folks! See you tomorrow.