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March 03, 2009


Hi Funny or Die, it’s me, Dave. While Marisa’s off daydreaming about Zac Efron or painting her toenails to look like Zac Efron or whatever it is that she does, I thought I’d take a minute to lay something out on the table: movies are out to turn young love into a fantasy world where all girls wear knee socks and everything is precious and twee and perfect and spelled out in an adorable faux-handwriting font.  

Fellas: I’ve got some bad news for you. The adorable female lead from your favorite quirky movie would be an obnoxious maniac if she were a real person. I swear, if I have to see one more movie where Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel play delicate little quirkmuffins, I’ll probably enjoy it, buy the DVD, and start a Facebook group about it. BUT THEN I would realize that those girls don’t exist in reality, and their closest real world approximations are usually total basket cases with daddy issues and a purse full of meds. Allow me to break the illusion for you and show you how shit would go down, real world vs. movie world.

Movie World: Super cute quirky girl (SCQG) puts headphones on you and plays you a song that melts your little heart.
Real World: You’ve already heard the song, and you pretend to be impressed. However, she can see through it and gives you the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

Movie World: SCQG tells you that you two are going for a ride. When you ask her where you’re going, she puts a blindfold on you and says, “it’s a secret.” Then the two of you sneak into the natural history museum after hours and make out in the dinosaur room.
Real World: The secret place she takes you to is her coke dealer’s house, and he makes you watch mildly pornographic movies where women fight each other.

Movie World: Cute girl invites you over to make a pillow fort. You two spend the evening eating s’mores under blankets and playing records, and then she dares you to kiss her!
Real World: Same scenario, but replace all the fun stuff with: the pillow fort reminds her of a traumatic childhood experience that she refuses to explain. You spend the rest of the night asking her, “What’s wrong,” and offering her tissues.

Movie World: After an intense shared experience, super cute quirky girl cuts all of her hair off in an adorable pixie cut and begins speaking with a british accent because she's "starting over."
Real World: After chasing xanax and vicodin with a bottle of red wine, she shaves her head unevenly and passes out at your cousin's wedding.

Movie World: Your artsy, adorable crush constructs a scavenger hunt for you with step by step instructions. You have to take a picture of a smiling baby, find a cloud that looks like a sleeping lion, and release 5 balloons into the air. The final step of the scavenger hunt takes you to a rooftop, where she got your favorite indie band plays a private concert for the two of you.
Real World: She kills herself.

There it is guys. Quirky and adorable movie girls may not exist in real life, but look at it this way, at least it’s been five years and Zach Braff still hasn’t made another movie. Yay!