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November 15, 2013

A handy cheat sheet to bring you up to speed on embattled Toronto mayor, Rob Ford.

Embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been making headlines lately with a string of increasingly embarrassing scandals, from being caught smoking crack on camera to making lewd remarks about soliciting a female staffer for oral sex. In case you're unfamiliar with Mayor Ford, we've assembled this handy cheat sheet to help bring you up to speed.

FULL NAME: Robert Bruce (belch sound) Ford
OCCUPATION: Owner/sole proprietor of traveling shit show
PREVIOUS OCCUPATION: Convincing drunk women at bars that he starred in Tommy Boy  
WEIGHT: 330 lbs and 2 ounces (of crack)
HEIGHT: High as fuck
AGE: 44, based on number of rings in his trunk
SKIN COLOR: Bloodshot
HOBBIES: Smoking crack, falling down, sweating through shirts, giving "bunny ears" in photos, snickering at dogs' erections, archery 
MARITAL STATUS: Happily embarrassing same woman for 13 years
FAVORITE MOVIE OR TV QUOTE: Tie between “Holy Schnikes” and entire Mr. Ed theme song
FAVORITE FOOD: Something he calls "Pussy Fries"
FAVORITE SONG: Boozy, off-key rendition of "Baby Elephant Walk"
PERSONAL MOTTO: "Carpe Diem" and “Boogie 'til you puke"