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August 18, 2012

I impart my inebriated revelations to all of you loafing simpletons craving intellectual stimulation from a drunkard.


Good evening my fellow lads and lassies and transgendered marriage-crazed lesbians. As you may have picked up from the title of this note, i've maybe drunk a little too much of that thing that little gay elves ferment in their glittery midget panties and piss out into festive chartreuse barrels for us homosexuals and bitter elderly jewish women to enjoy that i've reached the brink of that certain state of mind where the answers to all of life's little mysteries become as clear as the inside of rufus wainwright's pristinely manicured man-pussy (i can vouch for its cleanliness from experience when he molested me as a child ;) oh shit, can i put a smiley in a parenthetical statement or is that one of those seven deadly sins that will get me crucified in a loincloth and make my grandma feel ashamed of me? i sure hope not, because i was never one to pull off the 'sexy crucified in a loincloth' look). And lucky for you undeserving jew-charlatans, it is my honorable and humble benefaction to impart these drunken revelations unto your succulent and squishy man-brains and lady-brains (less better than man-brains, but still better than jew-lady-brains)!


  • Wine is tasty and changes your sad feelings into happiness at the expense of nothing!
  • There is no shame in bathing with soap. 
  • There is only shame in bathing with soap while being jewish.
  • The real problem with society is that we never sit down and talk about how gay cardigans are.
  • I don't really see the moral issue with having an abortion because like babies are gross and shit.
  • It has been said that music can be a gateway into the heavens much in the same way that meth can be a gateway into having super steamy sex with a cardboard shoe-box from DSW.
  • Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and take a shit in those bushes over there so no one can see you make a poopoo.
  • A mistake is simply another way of referring to Rush Limbaugh.
  • Give me a lever long enough and i might just make it all the way to my prostate while i'm sticking it up my ass.
  • So help me god, If I ever meet the fucking son of a bitch who tears the elevated supports off of the back of keyboards, i will tell him/her that (s)he is a very inconsiderate person.
  • When God made the jews, he like really fucked up, didn't he? I mean, potato pancakes? matzo-ball soup? Hannukah? No wonder they're the world's favorite scape/jew-goats!!
  • Jews are icky, but not as icky as brown people who are ickier than skinless lepers. Skin-bearing lepers are slightly less icky than hairless jews. 
  • The cheapest hooker I ever fucked went by the name of Matthew McConoughey and he had an immaculate pussy.
  • God, that Pope Benedict XVI sure has a major jesus-boner for jesus. He might want to try molesting children for a change of scenery or something, am I right?
  • If you experience an erection lasting longer than five hours, you should probably stop looking at porn for longer than five hours (try jew-porn. it's less boner inducing than regular porn because jews are really hairy)
  • something about Kate Middleton just screams, i light scented candles with long-stem matches because i'm too entitled to use a fucking matchbook.


Let this be a reminder of how little we know about ourselves and where we stand in this vast expanse of a universe we call steven tyler's vagina.