Hey folks, it’s me, Jeb Bush! Look, I’ve been running for president for a little while now and the question keeps coming up: how am I different than my father, George H.W. Bush, and my bother, George W. Bush. I admit, I’ve done a pretty sloppy job answering that question every time it comes up on the campaign trail but I finally have my response: I’m going to differentiate myself from my father and brother by completely blowing my campaign.
I’m a nice guy, everyone agrees on that. But that’s just not enough to get people to consider me my own man. To do that, I realize, I have to do something bold during my presidential run and what I am going to do is fuck it up every step of the way. So when a mass shooting occurs and I cavalierly refer to it as “stuff happening,” that’s no gaffe. That’s me separating myself from my less popular family members.
How about that time at that last GOP debate when I was asked to name a woman that should be on the $10 bill and I said Margaret Thatcher. A British person. How insane was that? I want to be every clear, I didn’t say that because I am dumb, my brother was dumb, I’m a smart guy saying the wrong thing on purpose. That’s Jeb!
My father and brother both ran campaigns that led them to the presidency. It would have been so easy for me to do the same, but that’s just not who I am or who I want to be. And if you look at how unprepared I seem all the time, you know I mean it.
And this was all just the beginning. Here’s just a few other mistakes, or as I call them “Bush Differentiators,” I have planned:
- Saying “Hi” to Ben Carson only to find out it’s just some other black man.
- I will begin to openly carry a handgun on the campaign trail and then accidentally shoot a pregnant teen.
- I plan on doing a photo op at a VA hospital but I will accidentally track dog shit through the whole place.
- I will deport my wife.
- Remember 9/11? I will say that I do not.
- I will host a big town hall meeting with my father during which I will smother him with a pillow until he stops breathing, then when my brother George comes over to stop me I will use the piano wire I have hidden to strangle him, I will do it so hard it will sever his head and the blood will cover me. I will laugh and be so at peace that I will fall asleep. This will be the day before the Iowa Caucuses.
So there you have it. Jeb Bush becoming his own man. I can’t wait to never be President!