This week’s tweets have a lot of very strong opinions on opinions.
Opinions are like assholes: It can feel humiliating, but get them examined, and if an expert says something's wrong with yours, believe them— Brennan Lee Mulligan (@BrennanLM) April 3, 2017
The internet is 69% sex jokes.— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 3, 2017
Pot roast is just beef you cook at 420°— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) March 27, 2017
I'm no art critic, but cats would totally be way better at poker.— ß¡|| Evenson (@BillEvenson) February 13, 2017
Just thought about if bdsm in the Sonic universe would cause rings to fly out everywhere, and now you're thinking it too, and I'm sorry.— Smooth Denny (@Dennywhere) March 26, 2017
the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.— McC (@MattMcC1) March 20, 2017
I've been letting a casserole dish soak since 2011.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 29, 2017
GUIDE: This bird of prey is our oldest, at 20— (@sofarrsogud) March 15, 2017
M: So born in the 90s?
M: OMG..it's the millennial falcon
G: *tazes me to death
Mike Pence is right. If I'm emailing a woman colleague, I CC my wife and God. If my barista is a woman, I turn gay until I finish my coffee.— Michael Schaub (@michaelschaub) March 30, 2017
Hi, my name is (honk), my name is (slide whistle), my name is (chicka chicka) Wayne Gacy— Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) April 2, 2017
to the haters that said I would never be able to set up my wireless color scanner: pic.twitter.com/0ZzdCvPZyq— Stavros Halkias (@StavComedy) April 3, 2017
boy: u up— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) April 3, 2017
me: of course i'm up i've been thinking about what it would be like to run around on a beach with nicole kidman for hours now
Girl, if I could rearrange the keyboard, I'd put "U" and "I" togeth--oh, huh. Look at that.— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) March 31, 2017
Scrambled eggs should be spelled dcrbmlaes gegs.— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 2, 2017
Donald Trump is just throwing his son-in-law at every problem like the world is a dorm room and Jared is Febreeze.— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) April 3, 2017
Satanism is pretty cool if you like being evil and totally bad ass but also feel like you need some rules to follow.— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) March 28, 2017
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my fiancé, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) March 27, 2017
UNDERAGE FROG: One alcohol, please.— Ray (@SirEviscerate) April 1, 2017
CASHIER: Uh huh. I'll need to see your butt.
UF: *tail nervously wagging under trenchcoat* haha whaaat?
i never eat alone with my dinner so i'm not tempted to fuck the spaghetti— Taryn Englehart (@changawei) April 3, 2017
Ms. Pac-Man should only cost 70% of a quarter per play— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 3, 2017
Whenever I see a bottle of Glue wearing glasses I wonder if it's really Super Glue in disguise.— D Duh (@d_duhwit) March 28, 2017
My family crest is a guy writing out a birthday card on his steering wheel.— Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) March 26, 2017
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?— Marf (@MarfSalvador) February 15, 2017
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'
A talking grapefruit would be a miracle, but what if it only did slam poetry?— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) March 28, 2017
Sorry just saw your text from two years ago do you still love me— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 29, 2017
fucked up how dryer sheets are chopped up baby ghosts— garth (@garbagecoven) October 7, 2016
sometimes you just need to ask yourself, "why am i talking to myself?"— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) March 29, 2017