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September 26, 2012

To the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire", a capsule summary of J.R.R. Tolkien's epic trilogy and the prequel with Jar Jar Binks using the magic of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.



When I grow up I want to be a travelling Billy Joel impersonator, and because I look like a hobbit I have decided to be known as Billyjoel Baggins. Here's a sneak peek at my first and probably only hit single, "It Started In the Shire". 

To give this some context, you should probably listen to the instrumental version in the background, which you can do so by clicking here. Give it 30 seconds before it kicks in, then all the lyrics synch up. For some reason Billy Joel takes the opportunity to ditty every couple of lines, he is really fond of his own tune I gather, so the key is reading it fast and appreciating the loose rhyming scheme and not taking your eyes off the page ever, to know your place in the song. Thank you for making my dreams come true. 



(To the tune of "WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE")



Bilbo Baggins, just a guy, hobbit hole, quiet life, 
Sips on some tea, eats jam and scones, smokes tobacco
In walks Gandalf, Ian McKellen, has a cool plan, Danny Ocean, 
Rob a cave, be real brave, a saga to behold
It all starts in The Shire 
It's a crazy journey
An unexpected journey
Recruits Oin, Dori, Ori, Gloin, Kili, Dwalin,
Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Nori, Balin, Fili
Thorin Oakenshield and Catherine Zeta-Jones
Raid a cave, act real brave, do some hiking, trick a dragon,
Three-act saga, lots of treasure, Peter Jackson, great director,
Not the one from your uncle's cigarettes
It all starts in The Shire 
It's a crazy journey
That spans half a century
Throw a ring in the fire 
In the pits of Mordor
To get rid of Sauron
Martin Freeman, "The Office", Tim, Jim, John Krasinski 
Wants to marry Mandy Moore, wedding day obstacle course
Courtesy the man from "Flubber", before John makes her his other, 
Robin Williams, a priest, Kelsey Grammer as a Beast
Frasier, Dr. Crane, once supporting, now main 
The show somehow outlived "Cheers", it was on eleven years
Hey Norm, "License to Wed", funny poster, in a bed, 
The seventh best film of all time after all the Tolkien ones
Gangsters straight outta the Shire,
There's a fire burning,
And some poems they're learning, 
A liberal use of poetry,
He wishes he was taller,
That he was a baller.
Flash forward, some odds years, Baggins' nephew dear,
Frodo, given the ring, told to destroy that thing
Sam Gamgee, gardner friend, trusted sidekick, 
Magical bread, Gandalf forms a crew again
To defeat Christopher Lee, call up Pippin and Merry,
Substance abuse, Orcs, riders and Ringwraiths,
Oh my dear, so precious, you make my voice go hoarse
Killed a man, fishing trip, Gollum, Smeagol, nipple slip
Two Towers, Fellowship, a giant eye that means business, 
Good archery, Legolas, hey, you shall not pass! 
The daughter of Steven Tyler
Plays a girl named Arwen
Who kissed Viggo Mortensen
Another girl named Eowyn
You fool, no man can kill me
But she ain't not no man
Gandalf the Grey, then White, very epic laundry day, 
Pippin, Merry, forced to go their seperate ways
Reminds me of "The Notebook" some, "Why didn't you write me?", 
"I did, you're dumb", Ryan Gosling, handsome man, in favor of a shirt ban
Hugo Weaving, from "The Matrix", Gimli loves that fucking axe,
Talks about it every day, how about some body spray? 
Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon
Can you link "Lord of the Rings"
To Paul McCartney from "Wings"?
"Se7en" starring Morgan Freeman
She had ribbons of red
Imma get her pregnant
Gulf of Lune, Dawson's Creek, rhymes with show star Van Der Beek, 
Katie Holmes, Suri Cruise, "Rain Man", Hoffman
"Bring me Peter Pan", "Are you trying to seduce me, ma'am?", 
Simon and Garfunkel, "Did I do that?" said Steve Urkel,
Climbing mountains, fighting wars, then a giant birdie thing,
Saves their lives, Gollums dies, goodbye to that stupid ring
The vollyeball scene from "Top Gun", trees run like a forest run,
Rest in peace Boromir, one does not simply walk into Mordor!
It all starts in the Shire 
One Ring to rule them and One ring to find them
Events transpired in the Shire
A saga eighteen hours long
A journey just like that song
Oh the movie never ends it goes on, and on, and on, and on...