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June 18, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Rodney King was found dead on Sunday. Truly, he never got no respect at all, I tell ya, no respect at all.

A vintage Apple 1 computer sold for $374,500 at an auction. To think, for just a thousand more, you could've gotten a brand-new Apple computer.

The nightclub where singers Chris Brown and Drake got into a fight has been shut down for multiple code violations. Officials admit however that they definitely didn't break the Keeping It Real code.

Rick Santorum says he would not take a job in Mitt Romney's administration. Romney said that's too bad, as he would've loved to work with, then fire alongside 300 other people him.

President Obama issued an executive order to stop deporting immigrants brought to the U.S. when they were children. Though the line's a little blurry for Benjamin Buttons.

However, Mitt Romney criticized the decision, saying Obama thinks "stop-gap measures are the right way to go.” Said Romney, "Whatever happened to a polite 'Go on, get'?"

Japan has created the world's first spherical flying machine and for only $1,400. The Miami Heat are already showing interest.

U.N. observers in Syria are suspending their work because of escalating violence. Plus Joan says there's donuts and coffee back at the embassy soooo...

Meanwhile, Syrian rebels are reportedly asking that armed peacekeepers enter the country. A much more concrete demand than last year's request "please stop them from killing us."

Saudi Prince Nayef bin Abdulaziz al-Saud passed away over the weekend. The country is already planning a huge funeral procession in which the cars drive over women.

Scientists are hypothesizing that neutrons may transition into and out of parallel worlds. A lot of younger neutrons in particular are transitioning back in with their parents.

This coming weekend, Georgia and South Carolina are holding a festival to commemorate the 40th anniversary of "Deliverance." Said organizers, "It's fun for the whole family, if your family likes kayaking, banjo, and raping fat city folk."