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August 12, 2017
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HAYWARD, CA — Noting that he’d been a little busy fixing up his old Chevrolet Camaro, 51-year-old Bay Area native Anthony Jacobs apologized to reporters for not having enough free time to do an interview.

HAYWARD, CA — Noting that he’d been a little busy fixing up his old Chevrolet Camaro, 51-year-old Bay Area native Anthony Jacobs apologized to reporters for not having enough free time to do an interview.

“I’ve just been really preoccupied with making making some drastic changes to my life, you know?” said the married father of two, who, just last month, bought a small boat he could take out in hopes that it would rekindle his love for fishing.

“I’ve done some pretty erratic things over the past year,” Jacobs admitted. “But that’s all behind me now.”

The 51-year-old Bay Area native has just beaten his first midlife crisis. After spending a quarter of a year obsessively making DIY lamps, attending shady EDM concerts alone and growing onions in a small pot on the desk of his home office, Jacobs has quit making impulsive decisions, citing how much he loves his return to normal life.

“I dedicated three months to doing nothing but trying out different flavored juices to vape. It took a toll on my bank account and ruined my wife’s hair. Humidity isn’t a good look on anyone,” said Jacobs. “I’m glad I quit. I’ve done a lot of really stupid things,” he continued, blissfully unaware of the fact that that this is just the beginning.

“I really look forward to calming down and being grounded again,” he added, ignoring the fact that men his age are prone to having two, three, or even four midlife crises.

“I am a little embarrassed about the little stunt I had with basket-weaving, but that’s all in the past now,” Jacobs sheepishly chuckled, ingeniously blind to the home security obsession and Britney Spears addiction he’d cultivate in the near future.

These types of actions, however, are not as uncommon as they may seem. Most midlife crises experienced by middle-aged adults occur frequently and are caused by both stressors and genetics alike, professionals report.

“Yes, my father and grandfather have both gone through their fair share of crises,” said Jacobs. “But I’m confident that with a healthy diet and a good exercise regimen, I’ll be able to prevent myself from following the same path.”

At press time, sources noted that Jacobs had been spotted eyeing a used piano at a local garage sale.

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