So, you want to catch a leprechaun, HUH FAIRY BOY?
Catching leprechauns isn't like jerkin' off with a pack of lifesavers,
you don't just wake up with a rainbow at the end of your dick. You've
gotta work for that shit. I've caught nearly every leprechaun I've set
my eyes on. Pretty much, if you're a leprechaun, don't fuck with me.
Follow these ten easy steps and you'll have four of these little guys locked
up naked in your cellar in a week.
1. To catch a leprechaun you're going to need to disguise yourself as a
leprechaun. You see, these little bastards, while sneaky and deceptive,
are also dumb as an inbred block of gopher shit. Grow a beard. (This
feels like a good time to mention that women should never attempt
leprechaun hunting as leprechauns are known to be vicious sexual
predators with a variety of questionable fetishes). Find a small green
suit. Many costume shops offer leprechaun outfits, and some suit shops
offer brightly coloured suits for children. The more hilariously small
the suit is, the better. If you can't find one, send me a message, my
buddy Rooster makes a mean little green suit.
2. Garnish yourself with pungent meats and ripe fruits. Just rub them
all over yourself. Leprechauns are attracted to blends of raw meat and
old fruit, especially a combination of pork and dried Algerian mangoes.
3. Get drunk as fuck. Chances are if you're out hunting leprechauns,
you're already pretty drunk. But get drunker. Don't pass out, but the
drunker you are, the more comfortable the leprechauns will be
approaching you and accepting you as one of their own.
4. Go into a forest. Leprechauns live in every forest everywhere all
over the world, so pretty much any forest will do. They prefer colder
climates, so forests near bodies of water are a good bet.
5. Here's where it gets tricky. You're probably wondering why you've
never seen a leprechaun before if they're supposedly so common. "But
Tyler" you're wondering, "I stumble piss drunk into forests in little
green suits all the time and I've never seen a leprechaun before!"
That's where this step comes in. In order to make the leprechauns
visible, one must chant the sacred leprechaun call
"Ah-chuck-ah-caw-buh-al-ick!" The phrase must be repeated exactly 6.7
6. Once the leprechauns are visible, it is your time to strike. Engage
one in a friendly conversation over something normal, like who's going
to win the World Series or the crazy things you'd do to sleep with
Jessica Alba. As soon as the little fucker tries to bum a cigarette, you
know his guard is down.
7. Inject a full seven inch vile of blood from an Australian Spotted
Quoll directly into the jugular vein of the leprechaun. This should
immediately render all of its motor skills useless and cause it to
become confused and disoriented.
8. Next, strike the leprechaun directly between the shoulder blades with
the femur of a snow leopard. This should cause it to convulse and its
eyes to roll into the back of its head. At this time, other leprechauns
may have noticed the disruption and are now on to you. Do not panic,
just move onto step 9.
9. Bag the fucker and run. Throw some sort of sack over the targeted
leprechaun, grab it by the opening and get the fuck out of that forest.
Leprechauns can't leave forests, so as soon as you're in the clear,
you're good. But make sure you get there fast, leprechauns are known to
disembowel humans while somehow keeping them alive.
10. Chain it up immediately. Your done, so don't blow it. Put a shackle
around the little shithead's ankle and leave him in a dark, wet room,
preferably underground. Leprechauns only require food as a means to soak
up the alcohol in their stomachs, so as long as it's not getting drunk,
it won't need to eat.
So you've got yourself your very own leprechaun. They're pretty boring
and they get really mad whenever you go near them, but you can sell them
to Serbians at a pretty good price.