Full Credits

Stats & Data

March 21, 2011

You can catch them, you just don't know how to do it yet...

So, you want to catch a leprechaun, HUH FAIRY BOY?
Catching leprechauns isn't like jerkin' off with a pack of lifesavers, you don't just wake up with a rainbow at the end of your dick. You've gotta work for that shit. I've caught nearly every leprechaun I've set my eyes on. Pretty much, if you're a leprechaun, don't fuck with me.  Follow these ten easy steps and you'll have four of these little guys locked up naked in your cellar in a week.

1. To catch a leprechaun you're going to need to disguise yourself as a leprechaun. You see, these little bastards, while sneaky and deceptive, are also dumb as an inbred block of gopher shit. Grow a beard. (This feels like a good time to mention that women should never attempt leprechaun hunting as leprechauns are known to be vicious sexual predators with a variety of questionable fetishes). Find a small green suit. Many costume shops offer leprechaun outfits, and some suit shops offer brightly coloured suits for children. The more hilariously small the suit is, the better. If you can't find one, send me a message, my buddy Rooster makes a mean little green suit.

2. Garnish yourself with pungent meats and ripe fruits. Just rub them all over yourself. Leprechauns are attracted to blends of raw meat and old fruit, especially a combination of pork and dried Algerian mangoes.

3. Get drunk as fuck. Chances are if you're out hunting leprechauns, you're already pretty drunk. But get drunker. Don't pass out, but the drunker you are, the more comfortable the leprechauns will be approaching you and accepting you as one of their own.

4. Go into a forest. Leprechauns live in every forest everywhere all over the world, so pretty much any forest will do. They prefer colder climates, so forests near bodies of water are a good bet.

5. Here's where it gets tricky. You're probably wondering why you've never seen a leprechaun before if they're supposedly so common. "But Tyler" you're wondering, "I stumble piss drunk into forests in little green suits all the time and I've never seen a leprechaun before!" That's where this step comes in. In order to make the leprechauns visible, one must chant the sacred leprechaun call "Ah-chuck-ah-caw-buh-al-ick!" The phrase must be repeated exactly 6.7 times.

6. Once the leprechauns are visible, it is your time to strike. Engage one in a friendly conversation over something normal, like who's going to win the World Series or the crazy things you'd do to sleep with Jessica Alba. As soon as the little fucker tries to bum a cigarette, you know his guard is down.

7. Inject a full seven inch vile of blood from an Australian Spotted Quoll directly into the jugular vein of the leprechaun. This should immediately render all of its motor skills useless and cause it to become confused and disoriented.

8. Next, strike the leprechaun directly between the shoulder blades with the femur of a snow leopard. This should cause it to convulse and its eyes to roll into the back of its head. At this time, other leprechauns may have noticed the disruption and are now on to you. Do not panic, just move onto step 9.

9. Bag the fucker and run. Throw some sort of sack over the targeted leprechaun, grab it by the opening and get the fuck out of that forest. Leprechauns can't leave forests, so as soon as you're in the clear, you're good. But make sure you get there fast, leprechauns are known to disembowel humans while somehow keeping them alive.

10. Chain it up immediately. Your done, so don't blow it. Put a shackle around the little shithead's ankle and leave him in a dark, wet room, preferably underground. Leprechauns only require food as a means to soak up the alcohol in their stomachs, so as long as it's not getting drunk, it won't need to eat.

So you've got yourself your very own leprechaun. They're pretty boring and they get really mad whenever you go near them, but you can sell them to Serbians at a pretty good price.