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Published April 22, 2011 More Info »
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Published April 22, 2011

(1)Where would you rather live?

Afghanistan

or


Staten Island

  Afghanistan is the poorest country in the world.  It has been in a continuous state of war for over 30 years.  It is the home of the Taliban insurgency and several of the most dangerous people in the world.  There is no end in sight to the bloodshed in the war-torn country.

Afghanistan

And here's my plan for Staten Island.  Lay siege to the island.  Set up a blockade and starve them out.  No food or steroids get in until (1) All marble columns and bad art are destroyed (2) Blow-out hair cuts are eradicated (3) Fake tans scrubbed off (4) Italians are forced to watch Italian films, look at the works by the great Italian artists, and study Italian heritage (Not Rocky IV and meatballs) (5) And they are no longer allowed to call themselves a borough of New York.

(2)What would you rather do for a living?

Chimney Sweep

or

Coal Miner



  I imagine both jobs offer comprehensive benefits packages and a decent pension plan.  Hours are hell for both and vacation time is basically nonexistent.  It's tough to differentiate one from the other. I have to go with the Chimney Sweep because he always seems so goddamn chipper.  They get to dance around on roof tops and kick their heels together a lot.  Miners come home and ignore their wives and berate their children for "wasting time at that goddamn school when you should be earning a living in the mines."

Chimney Sweep        

(3)When would you rather be alive?

1969

or 

1347



  Peace, love, sex, drugs, and rock n' roll vs. The Black Death, stale bread, knights, swords, and wenches.  Woodstock is booor-ing.  Imagine living in the middle ages.  If you left your house there was a 47% chance you weren't coming home.  You would get your head chopped off for stealing your neighbors mud.  The oldest guy in Europe was 33 in the 1347.  These are all great things.  Life was exciting.  Best of all, wenches were so DTF in the 14th century.  It was like Lake Havasu at Spring Break, but with big old floppy breasts, no teeth, and tattered clothes.  Girls Gone Wild Middle Ages Spring Break.   

1347   

(4)Who would you rather play Jenga with?

Michael J. Fox


or


Muhammad Ali


That's just fucked up

(5) Who would you rather have as a butler?


Mr. Belvedere

or


Benson Dubois

  This is the toughest and most important decision I've ever had to make.  I truly love both of these great men.  What if I had both butlers.  Imagine the hijinks that would ensue.  Fuck it.  Lets add Geoffrey from Fresh Prince.  They can all stay at my house and help me solve life problems on a daily basis.  Mr. B can help me dump the body, Benson can snap wisecracks while helping me change my identity, and Geoffrey can dress me down with that snooty British accent while he's escorting me across the border .  This is gonna be great.  

Mr. Belvedere, Benson, and Geoffrey

    

  

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