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Published May 29, 2011

The Passion of the Casey

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie,com/jbmcpart

“Mad Rumblings” on Facebook

 

 

 

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”[1]- Isaiah 43:2

 

Mark Lippman, Anthony family attorney- “They (the jurors) don’t believe this defense. It’s absolutely ridiculous...”[2]

 

 

 

 

Like a bad Super Bowl, with the underdog getting 79.5 points and advertisers scurrying to make “really good commercials because this thing is done by7:07 in the 1rst quarter”, the Casey Anthony trial opened this week.

 

I’ve followed this fairly closely since it first made the news in ‘08. It’s our legal system’s version of The Guiding Light, except no one at CBS could possibly be this creative.

 

Casey may not be OJ-- and he did get off-- but Juice didn’t have nice tits and Jose Baez ain’t no Johnny Cochrane.

 

I haven’t watched every minute because, like a game, there are way too many breaks and commercials on In Session. But if you can muddle through all the sidebars, there is some pretty jaw dropping stuff.

 

 

OK, I’m not a lawyer, but common sense says plead insanity and hope the Thiopental is on back order.

 

 

But, no, Jose Baez- Casey’s lawyer- isn’t going to make it that easy.

 

 

He must need really guilty clients who have money because Casey is and doesn’t and, short of getting the reputation for defending the Biggest Losers, he can’t possibly think this cocktail of bad Long Island Iced Teas is going to sell to a jury. The networks? Oh, yeah- they’re buying. In 30 second snippets. So much so, Mary Hart may come out of retirement just to host an “in depth look”. And Oprah? She’s still smarting from the whole James Frey thing, so, “no comment”.


The Doritos folks are just hoping their product placement offer works. “Have her crying--and munching on Cool Ranch-- it’ll send a message we are a ‘real comfort food’--wait, did Kleenex beat us to the punch?--“

 

 

 

Day 1- opening arguments.

 

Prosecution- straight forward, a Lebron James slam dunk. Marcia Clark no where to be found, thank god.

 

Baez- Caylee drowned in backyard pool. George Anthony in cahoots covering Casey’s tracks. AND George sexually abused her, forcing oral sex starting at 8. Casey’s brother, Lee? “Felt her on numerous occasions”.

 

Holeeee fuck—

 

 

 

So it’s the families’ fault- not Casey’s. How did we not see this?? They should have known this was coming-- asked where Caylee was earlier and more stringently-- had that CVS DNA Decomposing Body Kit for the trunk sitting by the WD 40 on George’s workbench just in case--

 

 

 

George and Cindy Anthony sat in the back of the courtroom listening to this lunacy. Can you imagine your daughter saying this shit to get herself out of a murder? This is the stuff that therapists around the globe make their livings on.

 

 

 

George took the stand Day 2. I like the guy. He’s a stoic Italian who “Ain’t takin’ what Baez is dishing out”. And if Baez refers to the not-in-evidence duct tape just one more time-- he’s “gonna get a beatin’ only Joe Pesci could survive--“

 

 

“Heavenly Fadda- keep me from breakin’ this freakin’ mulignan’s neck—“

 

 

 

 

 

May it please the Court. Enter into evidence these photos of Casey.

 

 

 

Dorian Gray Revisited- Orlando style

 

 

 

The search begins at Da Club. Caylee still MIA, but Damn! Homie can Dougie!

 


Early on at trial, before her Defense team said ‘Try and look a little more--- pathetic”.

 

 

 

 

“How’s this Mr. Baez?”


 

 

There’s been some bad acting in our time, but this sets heights even Ed Wood couldn’t touch-

 

 

 

Stay tuned to In Session- we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsor Wyeth, proud makers of Bifeprunox--

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jim McPartland is a freelance comedic writer specializing in non fiction narrative humor. He can be had for a song. Just not “Don’t Stop Believing” as that causes violent outbursts. He can be found on Facebook under “Mad Rumblings”, his soon to be published book



[1] Just stay away from pools.

[2] No shit.

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