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January 12, 2016
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Lace swears she's not crazy, Olivia's mouth spawns her own Twitter account, and it appears budgets have never been lower on 'The Bachelor.'

See below for a recap from The Bachelor. Spoilers, obviously.

1. The Most Unromantic First Date

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What’s going on with the budget at The Bachelor? Group dates are never the most romantic or extravagant, but this first group date is killing it in the lame category. The girls meet Ben at “Bachelor High” to play high school games and compete for five extra minutes with him. There’s a science fair that looks like they sent two PAs to Michaels with $100 for glass bottles and then they squirted some food coloring into them. They bob for apples in large fish tanks just so we can see shots of their mouths and tongues searching underwater. There’s a basketball shoot-out that must have been a painfully long wait for any of those girls to make a basket. (Except for Becca! SWISH!) And finally there were the hurdles. The winner of all those low-stakes, boring pep rally games got to ride on the back of a convertible with Ben while he made a big deal about his school colors. Congratulations, Mandi.

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2. Get With the Program, Amber!

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Amber, if you remember, was already on a season of The Bachelor and is back for another shot at love. If you don’t remember, you’re like everyone else because Amber just sits around complaining that no one remembers her. First Amber makes it to the finals of the high school group date. But when she loses a hurdles race to “Long Legs” Mandi, Amber returns to hanging out on couches wondering why she hasn’t gotten her time with Ben.

Hey, Amber, Less talking. More doing. (Home Depot) Make a move! Did you notice all the other girls getting up and going over to talk to Ben? This is the way it works here. It’s your second time. Let’s go! Grab life, Amber! Grab Ben!

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3. Olivia’s Mouth Doesn’t Close

It’s already spawned its own Twitter because Olivia’s mouth was open wide throughout the episode. She conveys shock, happiness, aggression towards prey. Olivia looks like a velociraptor about to eat a juicy little kid. She is winning and she knows it and she ain’t being cool about it.

The poor man’s Cameron Diaz threw down the bitch card after getting the rose on the group date. She got some more private time with Ben and then told the other girls since she was done, they could “have at it.” Olivia wont make it through two more episodes before she says, “I’m not here to make friends.”

4. Integrated Marketing with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube

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Ben chooses Caila for his first one-on-one date, and what does this fantasy first date provide? A marketing push for Ride Along 2 where Kevin Hart and Ice Cube crash their date! It’s another cheap-o date too. The four of them take a drive, go to a liquor store, and then in classic Bachelor fashion, find their way into a hot tub. Except we live in a world where ABC doesn’t spend money on The Bachelor any more so they are in a hot tub IN A STORE. Romance city. Population 4. Because there are still two extra dudes on the date.

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5. Ben Smelled the Girls

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Group date number two took place at the esteemed “Love Labs” headed by the prestigious Dr. Love. This is for sure a reputable group with science backing them up and not some weirdo extras that ABC hired off Craigslist. The creepy frauds lead them through a series of tests to work out their attraction based on the senses. They go through a retinal scan and sit with thermal detectors, but the craziest test was one that had Ben smelling them. The girls ran on a treadmill for a few minutes, until they were dewy, and then Ben leaned over and smelled them one by one. He described each of their smells, mostly fruits and flowers, until he got to Sam and described her as sour. Ouch.

6. The SIX Times Lace Said She Wasn’t Crazy

Lace is the crazy girl. The easiest way to spot a crazy girl is to listen if she blurts out that she’s not crazy. Lace did it SIX times. SIX. That means she’s six times as crazy as your average crazy. Here are the six quotes.

1 - “I’m not a crazy girl.”

2 - “I wanna make sure Ben doesn’t think I’m some crazy girl.”

3 - “Crazy right?” Referring to herself at that moment.

4 - “I’m not crazy I just need one more minute.”

5 - “I want to make sure Ben doesn’t think I’m some crazy girl.”

6 - “I know I’m coming off a little crazy to you.”

During a conversation with Ben toward the end of the episode, Lace described herself as a really awkward kid. She told a sad story about her siblings being embarrassed of her and something about being called a raptor? It humanized her for a minute. Then she referred to herself in the third person, “The bad Lace came out” and the empathy ended.

7. Ben Makes Girls’ Accessories

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To show that he’s the nicest guy on the planet, Ben makes barrettes for one of the girl’s daughters. That’s just really nice. I don’t know who you are, cute mousy girl, but Ben seems really thoughtful. Hopefully some oddly fitted hair clips help those little girls feel loved since mommy left to be on a reality show during their formative years. Their desperation for love as adults will ultimately reflect how good these barrettes turn out, so GLUE GLUE GLUE!


See you next week when we’ll find out who of the Lauren’s is still there, if Ben can tell the difference between the twins yet, and see Lace up the crazy meter.

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