Ah, the Lunchable.
We're all familiar with the popular Lunch Combination, right? Deli meat and cheese of your choice, crackers.
I have a complicated relationship with the 'Bles, see, I try to eat healthy, I even shop at a local grocer named Fresh & Easy (Whole Foods when I'm feeling like a baller/ shot caller). And while I admit that Lunchables are indeed Easy, a little too easy for my taste, there is absolutely nothing Fresh about them, unless you mean 'Fresh' the way African-Americans use it, par exemple: funky fresh. And even then it's a stretch.
The Lunchable I am most familiar with is the Turkey + Cheddar variety, but all I say from here on out I'm sure could apply to the Ham + Swiss amalgam as well (pizza, nacho, and taco Lunchables? I won't dignify those with a single thought).
The Lunchable comes with about seven crackers and the corresponding amount of turkey and cheese slices, yet the cover photo shows a ludicrous stack of cracker, cheese, meat, cracker, meat. Um, OK... Then what do you do at the end of the snack when there is but one lonely cheese slice? Eat it solo? HA!
Next: are we really impressed that Lunchables crackers (at least I'm assuming they're referring to the cracker, although nothing can be sure at this point) are made with Whole Grain when the meat and cheese are obviously processed to an unrecognizable degree? "Hey, the cheese and meat have forty eight known carcinogens and a trace amount of fecal matter, but you're getting 18% of your daily portion of whole grain!"
And finally, why is the cracker circular, the turkey circular, and the cheese square? Can they not make circular cheese? I know that this is untrue, cheese can be processed in any shape, let's use our other snacking friend The Stringed Cheese as 'Exhibit A.' The Stringed Cheese not only comes in a long tubular shape, but it can be pulled apart in stringy strings!
Perhaps the difference in shape is for our friends who are impaired of sight, but to that I say that even without their enhanced sense of touch they would surely be able to feel the difference between the slick, greasy meat and the more malleable yet spongy cheese. Not to mention their vastly different smells.
These are questions that may have to remain unanswered for now, perhaps because they are unanswerable, perhaps man was not meant to know such knowledge in this life, or perhaps because my tummy hurts from eating a delicious Turkey + Cheddar Lunchable and I'm going to go sit on the potty for a couple minutes, ya know, just to try.
- are you gay or what?
- Dude just pack a real fuckin lunch like a big boy and stop writing columns about bullllyyshittt. I can write funnier shit with the tip of my penis......my penis should work for funny or die. lol