Here it is, the week we’ve all been waiting for, Fantasy Suites. It’s now considered appropriate for Jojo to bang out whichever dudes she chooses, this week and ONLY this week. In the scenes from last week’s Hometowns, they put a glossy dream-blur filter over everything, I guess to make us nostalgic for the family time of yesteryear.
Then, with an awakening jolt, we’re propelled back to the harsh reality of the unfiltered Now. We’re back on the tarmac of broken dreams where Jojo still squats in her gown, sobbing for what she has to do next. She finally gets it together to hand out roses and dump Vacant Luke. He looks like a sad puppy whose eyes go in slightly different directions.
Really thought Luke was top two material but even geniuses can be wrong sometimes. By the way, A-Ro-Bro is literally called first every single time.
Jojo sobs as she walks Luke out. Jojo: “I felt like as the days and the weeks and the months went on, our relationship got better but I struggled with not knowing where you stood.”
Luke: “We’ll never know what it was, what we could’ve had, and that’s what really sucks for me, because I wanted to fall in love with you and I never got to see it through.” Didn’t he just say he fell in love with her?
Jojo: “Wait, don’t go right now. I don’t know how to say goodbye to you.” Luke: “I don’t either. It’s not supposed to happen and it is. Like this is not supposed to be happening. Like, I dreamed about like, so much.”
Luke: “I just can’t believe that I like, squandered it away. Like I had no clue I was doing that… I thought that like when I kissed you, I thought that when I looked in your eyes, I thought the times we had, like that that magic, was real.” Jojo: “It was real.”
Luke: “You didn’t want me anymore.” Jojo: “It’s not that.” Luke: “Holy shit.” Jojo: “I’m sorry… I’m gonna miss you.” Luke: “I miss you already.” Jojo: “I’m so thankful for you… I’m just trying to follow my heart and my gut and whatever it’s telling me. I’m sorry.” Luke finally gets in the limo.
If you thought Jojo was done with her sad squatting pose on the tarmac, YOU’D BE DEAD WRONG.
Luke: “I feel like a person that got hit by a train. Like, I thought we had a future together… I would’ve been ready to propose to her today. I was in love with her but I never got the chance to love her. And that’s I think what hurts the most. I barely got to say it and then it was too little too late.”
Jojo: “Like, what if that was a mistake? That scares me. Oh God. I like, miss him. I miss him already.”
Is there a way out of this heartbreak? The camera pans from a sobbing Jojo to the awaiting private plane, indicating that though there is sadness now, true love and adventure are right around the corner.
Jojo Goes to Hua Hin, Thailand
If you made it to Week 4, you got to go to some random podunk town in Pennsylvania but if you make it to Fantasy Suites, you get to go to Thailand. Jojo has a new upbeat attitude: “It’s so romantic and so magical. I can’t wait to just get out and see the people and see the culture and tour Thailand with the guys.”
Jojo wanders around the Hua Hin sights while talking about this week.
Jojo strolls down the beach: “Last week was kind of an emotional roller coaster.” THERE IT IS! Jojo hopes this week will give her clarity.
Date #1 with Ex-Swimmer Robby
I get chills seeing Robby exit his little Thai cart to greet Jojo. He creeps me out so much. Robby: “And you thought Florida was hot?!” He definitely practiced that phrase 1000x in the hotel room first while slapping himself in the face if he got it wrong. Jojo and Robby tell each other how good they look. They wander through the Thai market. Robby says he can tell Jojo loves him not by her words but with her intimacy.
It’s raining super hard so they get foot massages and discuss their drama from Hometowns. Robby: “Knowing that we can sit down, grab the bull by the horns and confront something means a lot.” Robby reiterates how honest he’s been, giving the “primary example” that he told her he loved her in Uruguay. He sounds like he’s building a legal case for his honesty by phrasing it this way.
Jojo: “I was shocked ‘cause I didn’t expect it and I think for a lot of people when you think about it they would say it’s too soon. But it allowed me to open up to you.” Robby wanted to be famous so he dumped his ex and went on the Bachelorette. His ex wanted to be famous so she sold a story and made out with Mad Chad.
Robby’s confessional: “I’m head-over-heels for Joelle.” Just his tone saying her full name like that makes me think he’s a serial killer. IT JUST HIT ME SHE’S GOING TO FUCK ROBBY. EW.
At dinner Jojo says, “This was the day that I [told] Ben that I loved him and he said it back to me. It changed a lot of things for me. I think a part of me is a little scared, but you told your family how you felt about me?”
Robby: “Yes… [they said that] it came soon but they all knew I was capable of it and they all saw it on my face.”
Robby pulls out a note that his father “snuck” in his pants on Hometowns? Jojo reads it: “Robby, I can tell you really love Jojo. Do not get down about all this negativity surrounding your past relationship. Stick to your plan and everything will work out. You are the man. I love you, Dad.” Robby: “I want you to keep this.”
Robby mansplains: “I want you to hold onto this just in case you ever have any doubts or concerns about my feelings about you or the timeframe in which I was able to develop those, you can find comfort in knowing that the man who knows me best in this world could see it as soon as I walked through the door. And in that comfort that you can find from that note, I also want you to feel safe.”
Robby: “I want you to know that I’m not like the guys in your past. I’m not gonna say those three important words and then cop out early and walk away.” He sounds like he’s reciting a play. She hasn’t even expressed this fear to him. Jojo determines he’s passed the test to make it to Fantasy Suites and she gives him the card and key.
Robby’s confessional: “Jojo gives me the fantasy suite card and now I don’t have to dream about Jojo anymore. I get to dream with Jojo. I get to lay next to her, tell her goodnight, kiss her goodnight, and get to know the real Joelle that I want to spend the rest of my life with… I’m head-over-heels for Joelle… I want to be that guy who is late to work because he doesn’t want to get out of bed with her and the guy who rushes home early from work because he can’t wait to get back to her.” Late to what work? Ex-swimming??
Jojo: “I feel ready to want to be intimate with Robby… At this point I know I love Robby and I know that I’m ready to take that next step.” They bang out.
The next morning, we get some post-coital butterfly imagery. The B-roll after they sleep together symbolically represents how the fucking went. Serene, calm music plays, indicating a lot of Missionary posishe.
We then see them in bed together.
Jojo’s heels are on her nightstand?
Jojo: “Waking up this morning, it is so easy for me to picture waking up next to Robby every morning for the rest of my life. I am in love with Robby and it is so crazy.” That is so crazy. Jojo: “And there were moments last night when Robby told me that he loved me that I wanted to tell him. But… I will not tell somebody I love them until it’s at the end, when I know without a shadow of a doubt who I want to spend the rest of my life with.” We pan over to the tousled bed.
Robby refuses to let Jojo go, demanding more kisses, and yelling at her off his balcony, “I’ll see you later? Sooner rather than later? Por favor?” Does he know they’re not in South America anymore?
Jojo: “I am in trouble. I have three guys that I am like, goo-goo gah-gah over right now.”
Date #2 with A-Ro-Bro
My friend (re: next date being A-Ro-Bro) gives the best summation, “It’s a parade of assholes.” Jojo and A-Ro-Bro go on a Thai hike. There’s a bunch of strangers hiking right behind them.
They get to a temple in cave. Jojo: “There is no kissing inside the temple and I want to respect the culture, and I know how sacred these temples are. But it kind of sucks. Like, I can’t help myself when I’m around Jordan.” They always have one no-kissing date to build up that S.T.
A-Ro-Bro asks Jojo about her parents. Jojo: “My Dad always worries about me.” A-Ro-Bro: “You’re his baby girl.” Gross.
Jojo: “My two oldest brothers are protective. They’ve seen me go through a lot in my last relationship.” I can’t WAIT to see Jojo’s Bros meet A-Ro-Bro.
A-Ro-Bro: “My only reservation in this entire thing is that I always imagined being like, look my future wife’s dad in the eye and him just know that I was gonna protect his daughter, know that I’m gonna– I’m so in love with her, and that it’s the kind of love I want for the rest of my life.” A-Ro-Bro has also prepared speeches for this date I guess.
Jojo’s confessional: “Is this guy too good to be true?” Def not.
Jojo: “In your mind, what does the next year look like for you?” A-Ro-Bro: “Um, it’s a tough question to answer. It kind of depends. I don’t know what it’s gonna look like exactly 100%.”
Jojo: “That makes me nervous. I feel like with your lifestyle there’s a lot of movement. There’s a lot of being gone.” What exactly is his lifestyle??
A-Ro-Bro: “The good thing is I don’t have nor do I need a home base right now and I can kind of be wherever and wherever you need to be I can be.”
Jojo: “When you say ‘right now’ it makes me feel like in six months you could get a phone call and you’d be like, ‘well peace, I’m out!’ It’s not like we’re just dating and can figure it out as we go. The worst thing that could happen is ending up with somebody and not realizing how different your lifestyles are and how that could possibly ruin things.”
A-Ro-Bro: “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Jojo: “Eh, that’s what Ben said. I believed everything he said to me when he told me that he loved me and he was in love with me and he wanted to spend his life with me. And that’s why it sometimes is scary to like, have you or anyone else say it to me and totally trust in it.”
A-Ro-Bro: “Mmhmm.” He doesn’t know if it’ll last forever, how could he possibly know that? She’s trying to get it in writing AKA ON NATIONAL TELEVISION that he won’t break her heart like Ben. A-Ro-Bro reiterates AGAIN how his “biggest moment is talking to the Dad.”
Jojo is won over immediately.
A-Ro-Bro: “I have a feeling when I’m with you that I’ve never had before… And I really, truly think I am a better person with you. And in the past month ever since I told you I was in love with you, when I think about that wedding day, when I think about getting on a knee, it’s with you. Like, that’s a big deal for me. Just now is the first time I really see a face and wanted someone to be that person walking toward me someday.”
Jojo’s standard response to declarations of love: “That makes me happy. Come here and kiss me because you can.”
Jojo’s confessional: “I wanted to express any fear that I ever had about how this could possibly end. And just to hear how Jordan feels and to have him reassure me that this is what he wants and that there’s not a question in his mind that he’s in love with me, I feel really good and I feel like I got every answer that I wanted.” A-Ro-Bro has now passed her pre-Fantasy Suite test, so she gives him his card.
Biggest shocker in Bachelor HISTORY would be if A-Ro-Bro turned the Fantasy Suite down. BUT HE’S A-RO-BRO: “Okay, fine. Yeah.”
A-Ro-Bro’s confessional: “I’m here because I am so in love with Jojo, and she is exactly what I want in my wife. Our attraction to each other, how much fun we have together, I can be myself with her. I can see her walking down the aisle, and I can see a future. And I want her to trust that my intentions are that this is gonna be a team effort.”
Jojo’s confessional: “It’s so exciting for me to know that at this point, Jordan and I both love each other. He may not know what because I just know I’m not ready to tell him that I love him. It’s so crazy looking back on that first night and knowing that I gave Jordan that first-impression rose and to be sitting here now, at the overnight date, just being here and knowing that I love him and we have fun together, but we also have that passion and that chemistry.” It’s almost like they were given the same script of what to say about the other…
A-Ro-Bro shuts the door as Jojo poses demurely on the bed.
The next morning, the post-coital imagery is a fishing boat and a sun on fire.
A-Ro-Bro: “Waking up this morning I rolled over and I just had a smile on my face. I felt like everything was right. We took a big step last night in a really exciting direction.”
Jojo remarks that it’s their first breakfast together, the exact same thing she said to Robby the previous morning. Jojo: “What are you thinking after last night?” A-Ro-Bro: “It was exactly everything I needed.”
Jojo: “There were times last night when Jordan would tell me how in love with me he is and waking up with him this morning was perfect. But it’s scary to think that I’m in love with two people right now.” Jojo waddles down the beach.
Date #3 with Chase
Chase greets Jojo on a scooter. They immediately ditch it.
Jojo and Chase go to a fish market. Chase pretends to be the fish trying to kiss Jojo: “Hey Juju, give me a kiss!”
Jojo then makes Chase kiss the fish. They’re so fun.
Chase is stoked on life: “The small talk, the chatter, the feel, the touch, salt water, and fish.” He’s just naming nouns. Then they make out on a boat. Jojo: “I forget about how hot it is when I’m kissing you.”
Chase’s confessional: “Just being with Jojo, her personality, her sex appeal– I mean everything about her right now is just so unstoppable.”
Chase and Jojo relax on a beach and it’s apparently 104 degrees but somehow they still manage to make it fun. Jojo asks Chase about his feelings at the rose ceremony and Chase says, “I had no idea what was going on with being last rose. You’ve put me through some serious stress in this process.” Jojo laughs. I HAVE tortured you lol!
They take off their shirts I FORGOT HIS HEINOUS TATTOO. They start going at it in the water.
Then Chase sits and plays with sand by himself for a while. Chase: “I could absolutely marry Jojo. I’m absolutely in love with Jojo.”
Robby CRASHES Jojo’s date with Chase when she goes to change?! I know a producer probably goaded him into it but he went along with it… Robby: “I missed you. So much. More than you know and more than I can put into words. It’s made this time apart hard. And knowing you have other dates just amplifies that… I keep thinking about you. Nonstop. Fall asleep, thinking, dreaming of you. That taste of what a lifetime would be like, it was incredible and after this week, I’ve never felt more connected with you.”
Robby: “Never been more ready to get down on one knee. I’m ready Jo. I’m ready for us. I’m ready for a family, to be your husband. Country clubs and coloring books. And I know you have dates this week, and I’m doing what I can to block it out.” Jojo: “Well, I am in the middle of a date.”
Jojo meets back up with poor Chase for dinner. Chase: “I want to give a toast to, I guess just kind of trusting me… I’m so happy and there’s no one else that I’d want to be here with than you.” Chase wears the Melania Trump/Seinfeld pirate shirt.
Chase: “It’s scary leading up to these points in time. Just getting to those real emotions that are there.”
Chase: “I’ve kind of battled through this a little bit harder than I think Robby and Jordan might have. But… I don’t want to be scared of those things anymore. And I think that’s what love is… I want a future with us, is what I want. I can see it– the man you deserve– and I want to be that man. And I want to smear that lipstick.” WHAT? Chase it was going so well…
Chase’s confessional: “I’m just excited to get to that fantasy suite. And it’s more than just a fantasy. It’s gonna be the longest alone time I’ve ever had with Jojo.” Jojo gives him the Fantasy Suites Card.
They get to the fantasy suite. Chase: “I want to say that I’m 100% in love with you. It’s wild because I’ve never told anyone that first. And I know that burden that sentence and that phrase carries. I’m ready to carry that for you.” Jojo: “Thank you for telling me that.” Chase: “It’s scary, but you’re worth it to me.”
Jojo’s confessional: “I’ve been wanting him to be open and pushing him to express himself. But hearing him tell me that he loves me, I just, I’m not feeling the way that I thought I was gonna feel.” OH NO. Chase: “I don’t want to be in a world without you. And I do love you. And I do think that, after all this, we can thrive and make it work.”
Jojo’s confessional: “Now I’m sitting here and I’m having this overwhelming feeling of doubt.” Jojo bolts and sits on a bench outside. Jojo: “I hate this. I feel sick to my stomach. It breaks my heart to think about saying goodbye to Chase… (crying) I wanted to fall in love with him.” She continues sobbing while Chase sits inside thinking he’s about to finally get laid after months of putting in work. I feel like you’re really screwed going last for Fantasy Suites. She’s like ehhhh I DID just bang two different guys two consecutive nights…
Jojo returns, “When you said that to me, like in my heart and in my gut, I don’t think I felt what I thought I was gonna feel. And I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you. I don’t know if spending this night together would change that feeling. And I almost feel like it would be unfair. And I don’t even know if this is making sense right now.”
Chase: “I get the point.”
Jojo: “Oh my God I hate this!” Chase tries to get up. Jojo claws him down. Chase chugs the rest of his fantasy suite champagne. Fantasy over. Jojo: “No, talk to me.”
Chase: “What do you mean talk to you? I mean, I just threw myself out there. I just jumped over a hurdle that I’ve never done before, and now I’m skewered. Now I’m shattered. I mean, what do you want me to say?”
Chase: “100% of me now regrets saying that. So now love equals ‘get the fuck out’? That was so fucking terrifying for me to say. And now I look where I ended up. You never gave it a chance. What was missing?”
Jojo: “I am trying to be fair and I’m trying to be honest, and I’m trying to not let what happened to me happen to you, blindsiding you or not being fair and not being honest.” Chase: “You kind of just did all that.”
Jojo: “I wanted to fall in love with you. You have done everything right… Chase, if I would have met you outside of this, outside of all these other relationships that I never knew existed, you and I would have a great relationship. It’d be so good, and I would be so happy and so lucky. And it just– it makes me sick, ‘cause I don’t want to see you upset, and I don’t want to see you hurt, and the reason why I did this right now is because I know that if we just spent the night together, it would make it so much harder for me and for you. I’m the person that’s making you feel this way. I hate myself for that. I really want you to know you are everything that I could have ever wanted.”
Chase then bolts, crying. Jojo chases Chase, “I just can’t have you walk away without like, I can’t have you walk away thinking this is something that I meant to do.” Chase: “But how can it not? To put myself out there like that, just to be sent home, immediately after, like–”
Jojo: “Do you think that I would ever give you the fantasy suite card to break your heart?” Chase: “You did.” Jojo: “Chase, I’m sorry! I don’t know how to do this.” Chase: “None of this makes sense.” It’s starting to hit Chase that she would’ve banged him if he didn’t say ‘I love you.’ Jojo: “I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to fall in love with you. I wanted to be able to see that forever future with you.”
Chase: “I saw it.” Chase walks off, pops a can of beer he somehow acquires, and gets into a van.
Chase: “Oh, is this my fantasy suite? That sucked. I get a fantasy suite card and then I get sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts. So many highs just to end on such a low, all because I said, ‘I love you.’ I should never have said that. Why did I do that? I’m embarrassed. And I’m heartbroken.” He says all this with a complete stone-face.
The next day we have the rose ceremony. There are tranquil post-coitus images of peace and harmony.
Lord Harrison greets everyone at the door of the rose ceremony for the first time to calmly ask them how the fucking was.
A-Ro-Bro greets Lord Harrison. Lord Harrison: “You’re looking confident.” A-Ro-Bro: “I am, I am definitely… Just the fact that we got some alone time. That and just, intimacy, that closeness of just being together without the cameras, without expectations, it was definitely what we needed.”
Lord Harrison asks Ex-Swimmer Robby the same things. Robby: “Getting to see a side of Jojo that, you know, you don’t see when the cameras are on, you don’t see until you’re behind closed doors, you know, you just fall in love that much more, and it was special.”
Lord Harrison: “Did you say ‘fall in love’?” Harrison’s favorite thing to hear. Harrison then greets Jojo with big open arms. Jojo is for some reason wearing a war tent that got destroyed.
Robby and A-Ro-Bro shake hands.
They are stoked to see Jojo by herself, knowing she dumped Chase. Jojo is explaining it to the guys WHEN CHASE WALKS IN!!!
Ex-Swimmer Robby is visibly pissed.
Robby and A-Ro-Bro dab their sweaty faces. Robby’s confessional: “Does that happen? People get sent home and come back from the dead?”
Chase: “I’m not here asking for a second chance but I’m here just to tell you that I’m proud of you, I’m impressed by you, I admire you. I think you’re amazing. Most of all, I want you to know I’m not mad at you… I don’t just tell anybody that I’m in love with them… I still have an immense amount of love for you and that’s not gonna go away. I do think you’re wrong. I do want to be yours. And if that happens down the road, let me know. My heart’s still open for you.” YES.
Jojo comes back to the Double Douche Squad: “My feelings for you two are so strong that it just– it didn’t compare.” Jojo calls Jordan’s name first even when there’s no suspense to who she’s picking and you can see Robby take a visible gulp. YUP ROBBY. IT’S COMIN FOR YA. This has been a very predictable season…
Robby’s confessional re: A-Ro-Bro: “What they have isn’t really up to par with what Jojo and I have going on.” I don’t know who I want to be taken down a peg more, Robby or A-Ro-Bro.
She hugs both of their identically sweaty backs. Jojo’s confessional: “I don’t think either of these guys have any idea what my relationship is like with the other one. They both seem so confident and so secure in our relationships, and that’s what makes it so great, but it also makes me a little sick to my stomach knowing that I feel this strongly about both of them.”
Jojo cheerses them: “Two men that I’m crazy about and I feel so lucky to just be able to be loved by you both.” Why does she keep reiterating that they’ve both told her they love her?
Jojo’s confessional: “Looking back on where I was at this point last season with Ben, it’s honestly just like, this really cruel, twisted irony that I’m in the same shoes, loving two people at once. It pains me to know that I will have put someone in the same pain that I felt.” Somehow I feel like she’ll get over it.
Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase