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April 08, 2015
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Unarmed Man Who Once Forgot to Tip Hotel Bellman Killed in Officer Involved Shooting

Written by: @RyanSaysThings

USA – Details are emerging regarding theofficer-involved shooting death of Randall Kingston as community outrage grows,fueled by the fact that Kingston was unarmed at the time; though, according topolice, found to be in possession of a library book dangerously close to becomingoverdue.

Officer Steven Green has been suspended with pay andbenefits, pending the results of an internal investigation of the matter, theresults of which are expected to be announced within the hour. Green, accordingto the report he filed after the incident, witnessed Kingston walkingsuspiciously, and stopped him. A struggle ensued, and fearing for his life,Green shot Kingston – who had been overheard using the Lord’s name in vain onseveral occasions – a total of 19 times.

Due to the seemingly rising number of shootingincidents among officers across the nation, local police made the unprecedenteddecision to address the public during a press conference held at the scene ofthe shooting mere minutes after the fact; a move questioned by locals forgiving the appearance of planning beforehand.

“Seriously, how could they even set up something as large as this pressconference that quickly,” asked Sheryl MonClair. “I’m seriously asking. Didthey have The Flash working on setting up the stage? No, that can’t be it,because he would have gotten shot for running.” She paused for a moment, beforesolemnly asking, “Can It really be that they are they just so used to thishappening that they’ve gotten this good at getting the machine running?”

While present, Officer Green did not personallyaddress the crowd during the nearly 30 minute engagement police referred to asa “Do-Not-Question and Answer Session.” Instead, those duties were handled bypolice spokesman Chad Billman, who wasted no time laying out the department’scase against Kingston.

“Look, Randall Kingston was a thug, plain and simple. Did you know he once tooktwo cookie samples at the grocery store when the sign explicitly said to takeonly one? Were you aware he planned to share an HBO GO account with hisbrother, rather than creating his own? This man once masturbated at his owngrandparents’ house as a teenager!” He then went on to admit he had no actualproof of the latter, but that he was “pretty sure.”

“Randall Kingston refused to comply with orders, andrather than submit, he engaged Officer Green physically,” continued Billman. “Mindyou, this all comes after multiple witnesses state seeing him cheat at various Nintendo games using a GameGenie.” Pausing for dramatic effort, he then continued. “After his taser was takenforcefully taken from him – which, for the record, we have yet to find, so Mr. Kingston’sfamily will be billed – Officer Green had no choice to draw his firearm andfire 68 rounds, 19 of which struck a man who would often peak through hisspread fingers while counting down to a game of Hide-and-Go-Seek.”

Responding to critics’ concerns that police are tooquick to use deadly force, perhaps due to lack of training, Billman seemed totake offense. “Our officers are more than adequately trained, and to suggestthey react lethally because they are easily startled is nonsense!” As he spoke,Billman slammed his fist against the podium, causing a seemingly distractedOfficer Green to jump to his feet, weapon in hand. The taser he claimed to havebeen stolen, tethered to his belt, swung and detached, tumbling to ground as heshot at it multiple times.

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