Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 27, 2014

A good reminder about what poor people are good for.

Food line during the depression.jpg

Politicians like Barack Hussein Obama and other Democrats like to proclaim that they are champions of the middle class. They both say that they want the average wages of the common American to increase, the number of jobs available to increase, and the well-being of all to increase. However, what these fools do not get is that, if everyone has a job or makes a decent yearly wage, we would not have any poor people.

Poor people provide a necessary piece of the puzzle for our American society. Normally, when seeing a drunken person fall down on the ground from being so inebriated, it is hilarious. However, if that person is poor and homeless, it is even funnier. “Poor guy! First he’s homeless, but now he cannot even walk,” I like to say to myself as I keep my distance from the man.

I like to use poor people as an example for my kids of what not to become. Whenever my son, Jacob, and I see a homeless person, I like to give a lecture on that homeless person. “He’s a worthless drunk and a drug user. Born into a family with no money, he was not able to make it out of his natural poverty. He is the definition of a sore loser,” I tell him. And whenever we see a homeless woman, all dirtied up and most likely smelling of sewage, I tell him, “Homeless women are surprisingly cheaper prostitutes than normal prostitutes. All I have to do is give them a bottle of booze and they will give me oral sex in return. Two dollars for a f**k ain’t bad now, is it?” While he is only five and not really understanding of what sex is, I am sure one day he will remember this wisdom that I have passed down to him.

As a society, the most important aspect that poor people provide is crime. Economists say that the biggest dilemma we face as humans is an increasing population with decreasing resources. It is a good thing then that we have poor people to commit murders and to commit suicide due to their unhappiness of being impoverished. Insurance companies also benefit from poor people’s crimes. If poor people didn’t exist, who would be there to rob convenience stores or banks or to commit arson and vandalism? If there was no one to do that, why would a company owner buy insurance for his building?

Poor people are good for taxes too. Every year I get tax deductions off of my billions of dollars I make by donating to some dumb charity. Though, if we keep on feeding the poor, won’t they just keep on living? It goes against the idea that we need to decrease our population. But then that goes against the idea that we need poor people. So, maybe if half of the poor dies, and the other half survives…that is a good compromise.

Often, people like me, except not me, feel good about donating to homeless shelters or charities. It gives them some sort of happiness to help the poor. I tell my daughter though not to rely on donating to the poor to give her happiness. Eventually, if she keeps donating all her money to the poor, eventually she will be poor. Then one day she will be a two-dollar hooker. But I tell her not to impart this wisdom onto any of her friends that could become attractive one day. I have a fantasy of one of her friends giving oral sex for two dollars one day. And then I would say after she finishes, “Remember me? You used to be my daughter’s friend back in the first grade.”

I hope this essay gives America a better grasp on what why we need ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the nation’s wealth held by one percent of U.S. citizens rather than just ninety-nine percent. Poor people, keep on, keeping on.