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August 04, 2015
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Chris Christie recently divulged his use of birth control at a campaign rally. In this op-ed, he elaborates on both his history of sex and birth control methods.

“I’m a Catholic, but I’ve used birth control, and not just the rhythm method.”

— Chris Christie at a recent New Hampshire campaign stop.

That’s right, I said that in a restaurant in front of people. It’s true, too. I, Chris Christie, have used birth control before — because I’ve fucked. Tens of times, baby.

I’ve fucked all over the place, too — beds, hotel beds, you name it, as long as what you’re naming is a type of non-upper-bunk bed.

And not only have I fucked, I’ve fucked with birth control — sorry to disappoint you, GOPers. You wanna know exactly what type of birth control? I can’t tell you that, but I can tell you it wasn’t just the rhythm method, no way.

What’s the rhythm method? You know what the rhythm method is, sweet babes, come on. No? Fine, I’ll give you a taste. In, out. In, out. Feel the rhythm, feel the ride, come on now, it’s holy shit I’m gonna come quick get off get off oh shit I’m stuck inside, hurry roll off before I oh OHHHHHH thank Christ I came on my thigh not inside you. Jesus that was close. (heavy breathing) Oh my God that was so fucking scary.

That’s the rhythm method, babes. Some people say that’s just pulling out, but I disagree. I’ve pulled out before, too, and that’s more of a dip in, followed by three minutes of furiously jerking off as my partner flips through one of my Golf Digests. Still hot, but different.

Since I’ve fucked way more than once, I’ve used other forms of birth control, too. I can’t tell you what they are, but let’s just say one of them involves wearing three condoms because I often ejaculate 15 seconds after penetration. Sorry I’m not sorry, babes. About the use of condoms, that is. I’m very sorry about the premature ejaculation.

What about the pill, you ask? I’ve been with a lady or two who “swallow the blue,” sure. And, yeah, I’ve been known to ding a NuvaRing.

But I can’t go into details. All you need to know is that I’ve fucked women before, and I’ve used birth control while doing it. And not just the rhythm method, either. Mostly the rhythm method, but not just. But mostly. Almost always.

But yeah, I’ve fucked before.

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