TOP 10 TRUTHS
10. Don’t mess with Mr. Phukuph because he monitors the contest like Zohan on steroids. He has a keen eye for those posts that exhibit “counter intelligence”and he understands FOD mechanics like a NASA scientist. One false move and Phukuph will be all over you.
9. Repeat after me:
There are no conspiracies. There are no conspiracies. There are no conspiracies.
Now hold your right hand high, make a fist, extend your index finger, then point it skyward. Pump that hand vigorously, and repeat the above three more times.
There now, doesn’t that feel better?
8. Block voting doesn’t work. I repeat block voting doesn’t work. Just ask my friends on FOD. Hey, wait a minute, no wonder I never get on page one, I’ve only got seven friends. Please add me to your friend list. . . .I mean like now. . .go ahead minimize or back arrow. . .I’ll wait for you here! Just do it!
7. Will Ferrell doesn’t personally select the daily winner. Usually Paris has that job because she doesn’t have that much to do around the old mansion these days. So chill, you’re not trying to impress the King, just a little Princess.
6. Because of #7, lower your standards slightly and remember you are directing your CAPS to a blonde. Try including words like, “Duh!”, “Ummmm!”,“That’s so yesterday”and other starlet-like words to your submissions. Write to your audience!
5. There is a big difference in FUNNY –DIE votes between the weekday and the weekend. Let me explain.
Weekday caps can be a little more witty and intelligent. Wit and wisdom might just win the day. The weekend caps are quite a bit different because all the young animals go out to play. On the weekend you can be sophomoric, moronic, crude, base and include a lot of bodily functions.
Give it a try –the caption style that is not the lifestyle - because if you join the junior crowd you’ll be writing a lot about penis’s and poop!
NEWS FLASH: The West Coasters ARE the die –bombers! Watch your east coast creation creep up to a 5 and 1, then after 8 pm (EST), watch your votes quickly melt to a 5 and 7 between 10 pm and 2 am. West Coasters should be ashamed of their die-bomber tactics. Dammit, we’re in bed snoozing when you post and therefore can’t die bomb you back, unless we set the alarm for the middle of the night!.
4. As in most types of contests, run by websites, radio stations and the like, the winner is ACTUALLY selected in a DRAW. Who has time to read all of this shit and then actually judge these gems for quality? See, at FOD all of the captions are thrown in Jack Black’s hat, drawn by matinee lady Sarah Silverman and – presto- the winner is declared.
That’s why when you read some of the winners the next morning you emit a Homer Simpson -type, “Doh!”, followed by a hard slap to your head.!
3. There is no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy. So suck it up, work hard and rely on your talent. There ain’t no gifts given here, Sunshine.
2. If you don’t enter you can’t possibly win. So sit your fat bum down at your PC, load up the munchy bowl, and apply due diligence. Peck away and flood that FOD caps page with all of your greatest creations, and who knows you might be FODCAPCHAMP for a day.
1. Print this post and past/tape or nail it above, beside or on your computer monitor. Settle back and then JOIN JIMBOBALOUIE’s FRIEND LIST, because I need all the help I can get!!!!
There you go, the truth has been revealed. Now go out there and win an FOD t-shirt.
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