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October 28, 2010

Smart, sassy, strangely seductive - it's relationship advice for the love challenged.

Amanda Fox is a writer, satirist, cat and people wrangler, and all around smart person. Sometimes, she gives advice about sex and relationships - because she's had that and been in one for a very long time. When she does, she calls herself Fern. 

Yo Fern,

In the immortal words of Kanye West, “I don’t know what it is with females, but I’m not too good at that $#@%.”   


The Ultimate Douchebag

Dear Douchebag,

Let me answer your question in a way you are likely to understand…

One, two, one, two
Ahhh yeah…
[random sounds barely recognizable as beat boxing]

Just kidding…  I can’t rap.

I will say however that if Kanye West can get people to worship him for being a complete a--hole, then the man’s a genius – an undeserving genius, but a genius nonetheless.  That’s just my personal opinion.  

Which begs the question, are YOU a genius?  Probably not.  Thus, I think I should provide you with a few of life’s fundamental guidelines.  Please read carefully…

1.Don’t EVER send pictures of your genitalia to anyone over the Internet, especially if your face is visible in the image as well.

2.Wearing all red suits only works if you are Santa Claus or if your net worth is in excess of fifty million dollars.

3.High levels of alcohol consumption can lead to hypertension, liver disease, chronic pancreatitis, and even cancer.

One last bit of advice:  Don’t try to change who you are.  If you were born a douchebag and raised a douchebag, chances are, you are going to stay a douchebag.  So find yourself a woman too stupid to know any better, and the two of you, stay the heck away from me.

Dear Fern,

You seem to be an understanding and upfront individual, so I’m hoping you can help me with my problem.  You see, I am trapped in an abusive relationship.  When I first met Mona, I thought she was going to be my perfect match.   She was kind and loving – a real peach.  It didn’t take long however, and she became an uncaring and frequently brutal mistress. 

For example, quite often, she forgets to clean my washroom, and then when I poop in the middle of the front hall, she hits me with the broom.  Let me tell you, those bristles can be a real you-know-what when they get stuck in my you-know-where.   Sometimes she even kicks me when I accidentally get in her way.  Furthermore, I feel a bit like Oliver Twist – forced to beg for my supper as Mona only thinks to feed me once every couple of days. 

In Mona’s defense, she’s lived a hard life and I can understand why she is miserable most of the time.  Oddly enough, I’ve grown to love her, and I don’t think I could ever live without her. On the plus side, I did overhear her tell a friend how much she loves me.  If this is true, then why does she treat me so bad?

Sorry I have no sex questions, but I did have my balls cut off when I was just a teenager.  If you have any suggestions on what to do about my predicament, I would be forever in your debt.  

Also, could you please use simple language and extra large font when you answer because my reading skills aren’t the best?   Hurry, Fern.   I need to know what I can do to get Mona to change.


Lost Soul

Dear Lost,

Situations like yours make me madder than that monkey who rips people’s faces off.  I makes me want to first, find Mona and teach her a lesson or two about how to treat a friend (read: leave HER with a few bristles stuck in HER rear end), and to second, take you in my arms and whisk you away from such a wicked woman.  Unfortunately, with regard to the latter part, I already have three critters of my own, and taking in one more would cause my husband to file for divorce.  Therefore, the best I can do is to provide you with some advice.

To begin with, I’d say you should read the book (or at least watch the movie) entitled, “The Incredible Journey”.  It is a testament to loyalty and perseverance, and to what “real love” between a human and an animal can be like.   Remember: take notes as the story progresses.  Some of the concepts may prove useful for what I suggest next.
Now, as I said in the question before yours, in general, people DO NOT CHANGE.
Thus, I’ve always found it prudent to judge them for who they are and how they behave in the present.  If that means calling Mona an abusive, no-good, self-serving, lowdown biatch, then so be it.  Life is too short to have to deal with someone like that.  And considering YOUR life is twenty years at best, you’d better get your tail in gear.

The truth is, a person who claims to love you (or any person for that matter) should NEVER kick, punch, or hit you.  They should NEVER chase you with a broom, frying pan, rotary hammer, baseball bat, or chainsaw.  They should NEVER tell you that you are fat, or say mean things about you, or post pictures of you with a gorilla’s body on the bulletin board at the local community center, or use other methods of mental torture to make you feel bad about yourself.  

As such, when someone is treating you this way, the only viable option is for you to leave.   So the next time – and I do mean THE VERY NEXT TIME – you see the door opened just a crack, you should make a run for it.  If you have to scratch your way through the screen of an open window, then do it.  Do it and run like hell.  Run until you reach the other side of the world.  Run until you are sure Mona has no chance of ever finding you.  

In fact, if you run to Rural Route number 39, in Sac County, Iowa, (and here is where the details of the above stated movie may come in handy) you will arrive at the doorstep of one Dorothy (Dottie) McGee.  She is my aunt on my mother’s side, and like myself, she loves animals probably more than she loves humans.  I can almost guarantee that she will adopt you into her brood.   

Lost, you are in my thoughts and prayers.  Now free yourself, and watch out for skunks.

Dear Fern,

It’s taken me a while to figure this out, but I think my girlfriend instigates fights with me just so we can have make-up sex.  The problem is, once I am angry, I don’t want to go anywhere near her.  Then she gets even madder.  It is a vicious cycle.  What should I do?


What The Hell Is Her Problem?

Dear I Think I Have An Answer For You,

Here’s the deal.  It’s like you got this new job hand-washing dirty diapers.  Now, the gig’s not too bad – the benefits are good and the chicks seem to dig it.  There is one problem however.   Every week, you keep coming down with some weird and progressively debilitating new illness.  After a while, you figure out that it might be wise to wash your hands BEFORE you eat lunch. 

How does this apply to you?   Well, it sounds to me as if all you need to fix this situation is to practice a little preventative medicine.  If I had to guess – and usually my guesses are pretty darn accurate – I’d say that your main squeeze likes her intimate relations a little on the passionate side – dare I say, more “rough and tumble” than “soft and sweet”  – hence the reason she instigates the fights.  

So try this.   Go out and buy some handcuffs, a few silk scarves, and maybe a paddle or two.  Then, the next time you see her – before she has a chance to start an argument – grab her by the wrists and kiss her hard on the mouth.  Tell her to turn around and close her eyes.   Push her up against the wall.  Treat her like she’s been a naughty schoolgirl.  Spank her bottom.  Talk dirty to her.  Go a little bit “Blue Velvet” on the gal. Lay down some pipe.  Slip’er the crip’ler, if you get what I’m sayin’?  Guaranteed, if you do this, your problems should all but disappear.

Note to all men:  Feel free to skip this last question.  I will only be discussing the best places to buy shoes along with the proper technique for tampon insertion.

Dear Fern,

My boyfriend is always ogling other woman.  What am I, chopped liver?  Doesn’t he love me?  Doesn’t he think I am sexy?  Should I break up with him?


Invisible in Iroquois Falls


Dear Invisible,

First, I guess I should remind you of the two fundamental truths about men.  One – they aren’t very discreet.  It’s like, “Hey, Pamela Anderson.  Can I lick your boots?”

And two – MEN THINK WITH THEIR PENISES.  MEN THINK WITH THEIR PENISES.  MEN THINK WITH THEIR PENISES.  In case you missed it the first three times, let me say it once more: MEN THINK WITH THEIR PENISES.   Again, it’s like, “Hey, Pamela Anderson.  I really wanna lick your boots.”

Thus, I wouldn’t use the fact that your boyfriend ogles other women as a reason for breaking up with him.   He simply can’t help himself.  And I realize that this probably doesn’t make you feel any better about the rubbernecking and slobbering stares.  I should know.  Even after more than twenty years of marriage, my husband still does it. Why, just last week, he was gawking at some woman with double D’s wearing a tight, Hooters’ t-shirt.   (We gotta stop going there for supper.)

Frankly, I think you should do what I do.  Whenever I catch my husband staring at another woman, or worse, talking to one with his jaw dragging on the ground, I simply envision him with a pickaxe jammed through his forehead, or I imagine his penis tied in a bow, hanging from the rear view mirror of my car.  Somehow, this seems to help.