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August 15, 2012

These 10 animals feel they deserve their own respective week of Discovery Channel programming.

Discovery Channel's annual Shark Week is in full swing and viewers are eating up all the video carnage and fascinating deep sea action of the sea's top predator. All is not right in the animal kingdom though, there are plenty of animals bitter about the Discovery Channel giving all the glory to sharks and ignoring other creatures.

We contacted one of the world's top animal whisperers (okay, it may have been a meth head in the parking lot of White Castle) to get us the inside gossip on 10 animals pissed about not getting their own 7 day block of prime time programming.

1. The Grizzly Bear


Interview location: Picnic table in Yellowstone National Park

I've been dealing with the suits over at the Discovery Channel for years now. Every spring it's the same old thing, "Grizzly, baby, we love what you're all about, that whole standing up on your hind legs thing - very intimdating. We're just in a transition at the network right now...", blah blah blah. 2005 was a great year for me with Grizzly Man, but now the only coverage I get is a 2nd page headline from the press after I eat a dopey hiker. I want my time to shine, dammit!"

2. The Gorilla


Interview Location: In the deep ass jungles of Rawanda

Diane Fossey knew what I was all about! She saw the potential, the mystery, the power! Hell, Sigourney Weaver starred in a movie about me, and she's a f**king Oscar Winner. Can you name the most famous shark scientist? No, of course not, cuz there aren't any! F**k you, sharks, you ain't got sh*t on me!"

3.The Honey Bee


Interview Location: The hive, where else?

I kill more people each year than all other venomous animals combined. So you tell me who's the top killah... I rest my case."

4. Baby Raccoons

baby raccoons

Interview Location: Dumpster behind Wendy's

We know the network's doubtful about giving us our own week, cuz we're not vicious killers and don't have Spielberg on speed dial or some award winning documentary, but c'mon, how f**king adorable are we? Just look at us. You know you want to cuddle us... is a week of programming so much to ask?"

5. The Cobra


Interview Location: Cobra pit of some ancient temple

*A snake charmer was required for this interview.

Discovery Channel wants to give me my own week. Discovery Channel feels a compelling desire to give me my own week. Discovery Channel must give me my own week. Discovery Channel is now under my power. "

6. The Killer Whale

killer whale

Interview Location: SeaWorld

Listen, I know that I've basically got my own theme park and that's great and all, but that and the stupid Free Willy movie have completely ruined my badass image. All these young brats and their parents just wanna watch me splash around in the water and eat fish. Look at my name, bitch, I'm a KILLER f**king whale!

7. The Vampire Bat


Interview Location: Random Cave in El Salvador

Look at me, I'm terrifying. Sharks just smell blood, I drink that stuff the way you throw back shots of tequila on spring break. Every heard of Dracula? I am Dracula! I may be small, but I guarantee I can make the toughest, baddest dude on the planet scream like a little girl if I fly into his hair. All I'm asking is for Discovery Channel to give me one week. How about the week before Halloween? That's perfect!"

8. The Koala

Interview Location: Eucalyptus tree

Koala week would totally destroy Shark week. I'm cute and have a sexy Australian accent that ladies can't resist. I'm practically the Edward Cullen of marsupials. Discovery Channel's female audience would be all over me for seven days straight like it was the season finale of The Bachelor.

9. The Gold Fish


Interview Location: Fish bowl in random 9-yr-old's room, clearly placed too close to window in exposed sunlight

Pleeeeease, give me a week. I know I may not be the first choice, but if you'll just give me a chance... I can give you a tour of the castle and there's this cool diver dude, and a treasure chest! Wait, don't leave... Come back... I'm so lonely..."

10. The Chupacabra


Interview Location: Undisclosed location in Central America

Could not be reached for comment.