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June 23, 2015

I have finally been put into a position where I can finally hire a hype man for the office. could it be you?!


Worker Morale is down here at Grendel’s Law Firm. It seems like whenever I walk into office, everyone acts like everyday is a Monday. I’ve tried to get everyone more upbeat when they come in but it doesn’t seem like anything I do is working. The pizza party I created just gave everyone a free lunch, it was like pulling teeth when I brought in a guy to do some team building exercises, and when I tried to throw a surprise birthday party for Janice, she took the day off. When I offered everyone cake they said no, so I had to eat an entire birthday cake alone in the bathroom to save whatever dignity I had left (I make it a thing to only eat an entire birthday cake alone on my birthday, so this was especially rough).

I feel like I’ve done everything I can to make everyone feel better. I’m tired of everyone looking moody as shit all the time; nobody wants to have a lawyer that looks like they just got out of a funeral. I need somebody who can lift everyone’s spirits, and that’s why we’re hiring a hype man…well…I’m hiring a hype man.

Whenever I look back at my favorite hip-hop/rap groups, I remembered the person that really got the crowd energized was the one who was there trying to get everyone more worked up (along with they guy selling hotdogs on the street). And if one of those guys can get a crowd of 300,000 to lose their minds, then they can at the very least get a law firm of 17 to shit their pants with energy (at the very least…). To the outside eye, having a hype man in an office setting might be a little distracting to those who work there,especially when most of us are dealing with cases where people have committed an awful crimes. It’s easy to be gloomy all the time when you have to defend the worst kind of people. However, with a hype man, Janice can represent that guy who’s clearly guilty of burning down a pre-school with the kids still in it, and be hype as fuck while doing it.

There have been days that I’ve come into work very exhausted.When I open the door to the office, do I want to hear somebody say “Morning Ben”? Of course not! I want somebody to greet me at the door and say “Oh shit yall! Big Ben is in the house! Who the fucks gonna to refill the coffee pot for everyone this morning? Big Ben! Who’s the gangsta that’s about to represent a woman who murdered her family? Big Ben that’s who! Who ate his own birthday cake in a bathroom stall yesterday LIKE. A. BOSS? BIG. BEN. THAT’S. WHO! Oh shit yall, Big Ben’s walking to his desk, y’all know you want to get up in that! Good thing he’s singleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Plus, who needs coffee, when you can have a walking ball of hype telling you you’re the shit?

Our hype man’s high-energy encouragement doesn’t have to stay in the office. Take him with you on your lunch breaks! Why remind people how bad ass you are when somebody can yell at them for you. Hate the start of our office meetings? Well try hating them when we’ve got a grown man with a microphone, dressed head to toe in gold, blasting the latest hits. He can even join you when you go to court to represent on of our murders? Get the judge on your side from the start when our hype man burst into the court, yelling something like “GET ON YOUR MOTHA FUCKIN FEET! AND CLAP YOUR MOTHA FUCKIN HANDS!” Everyone’s going to lose their minds when you walk in. Holy cow! Everyone’s probably wondering why I didn’t hire a hype man yesterday!


- Boosting everyone’s mood wherever and whenever

- Attending law firm meetings to take notes and get everyone to turn up upon entry

- Greet employees and guest

- Admin support

- Refilling the coffee pot

- Eating cake with me in a bathroom stall.


- At least 2 years of being hype as fuck

- Jewelry

- Microsoft office suite proficiency (word, excel, powerpoint,outlook)

If interested, shoot me an email! Looking to have this position filled by the end of this week!