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August 16, 2015

Mother and son share a similar hate.

It’s the year 2051, late afternoon. Josh Doritos, age 15, is playing “Insurance Salesman: VR” on his Xbony 5G in his New California home. His mom enters his room, without knocking. Josh angrily rips off his Xbony headset…

Josh’s Mom - Hey squirt! You gotta head over to your aunt Crystal’s, mama’s got a Tinder date coming over.
Josh - Ah gross!! Do I have to go?
Josh’s Mom - You’ve been on VR all week, so yeah, you gotta go.
Josh - But she always forces me to fish her old iPhone out of boxes of rat shit so she can show me her “stories”.
Josh’s Mom - Oh c'mon! She’s had a tough time since they cancelled “Teen Wolf-mom”.
Josh - That was 10 years ago! If she shows me another 2030 snap of her at the gym with a passive aggressive hashtag, I’m gonna rip my eyeballs out.
Josh’s Mom - She’s not that bad. Ya know, in my day, weird aunts had these things called scrapbooks instead of Snapchat. It was way worse! They were filled with pictures of friends and family reluctantly smiling, surrounded by glittered clich├ęs, and pieces of stuff that kinda has to do with the picture.
Josh - So if they’re camping in a picture, it would be like a key-chain of a tent or something?
Josh’s Mom - Yup! Most families had a couple scrapbooks lying around, but my aunt had hundreds of them, and never hesitated to go through each one while force feeding me stale cookies.
Josh - Boo hoo…
Josh’s Mom - Just go! And pick up some soylent and some catheters on the way back. You used them all.
Josh - Pshaaaa!

Josh rips out his enviro-suit from his closet, scowling at his mom. He stomps over to the garage, hops on his hover board, and zooms off into the sunset. #finallyhoverboards