Put these tweets on the guest list for your next party, but, in the good spots, like for VIPs, OK?
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 17, 2015
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there'll be like 50 of us there. We'll help you look
Invite me to your corporate holiday party an hour before it starts so I know it's not real— Desus Nice (@desusnice) December 10, 2015
There is literally no difference between house parties and haunted houses— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) March 9, 2015
Hate to brag but I can hold a lit match to my palm15 seconds before everyone at the house party starts screaming— Mike Glazer (@GlazerBooHooHoo) October 15, 2015
i'm good in a party environment specifically because i'm uncomfortable sharing any story longer than two minutes with anyone ever— the don of wokeville (@christinefriar) February 23, 2016
wife: "dont make things up to impress people this time"— k e e t (@KeetPotato) March 8, 2016
me: "i wont"
[later at party]
wife's boss: "does keith really know eddie murphy?"
If you can't sleep, just imagine talking to Jared Leto at a party and you will be immediately exhausted.— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) December 21, 2015
LA party tip: as the conversation inevitably turns to the benefits of drinking bone broth, claw at the air and scream YOU SHOULD TRY BLOOD— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) February 22, 2016
taking a crossfit class that specializes in helping you tear your rotator cuff so you can talk about tearing your rotator cuff at parties— gregory erskine (@cat_beltane) June 26, 2015
Parties are places I go to tell people to watch the movies and TV shows I like.— Maggie Serota (@maggieserota) January 1, 2016
Girlfriend: [pulling me aside at a party] Stop saying our "42-year-old" lives with us.— Jeffrey Palms (@freypalm) January 6, 2016
Me: But in d—
Her: I KNOW HIS AGE IN DOG YEARS.
older i get, less i wonder if people only pretend to like me cuz it stops mattering like ooooo what u gonna do ignore me at a party spooooky— darcie (@333333333433333) February 23, 2016
on my phone at a party, u may think I'm texting but I'm really lurking the panera bread geotag on Instagram bc pics of soup & salad calm me— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) July 17, 2015
average # of times i go to the bathroom at a party: 4,500— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) January 27, 2016
Parties are just work except instead of money you get paid in weird alcohol and snooping through other people's bathrooms.— maura quint (@behindyourback) August 30, 2015
the kind of person whose approval I crave most is someone who never describes a party more enthusiastically than "it was all right"— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) February 12, 2016
FACT: I've been to MULTIPLE parties where I'm wearing the same tie/bow-tie as a dog that's also at the party— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) October 7, 2015
a guy at this party's just said "no homo" and i made eye contact with a cat across the room as if we were both gonna say "homophobic much?"— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) August 17, 2015
if u don't have short bangs at a party full of guitar boys u might as well be furniture. it's incredible— baby taz (@alliewach) January 31, 2016
i'm the guitar guy at parties but it's a recorder and i try to serenade ur girl with "hot cross buns" and she hates it— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) May 7, 2015
How the fuck do you get confident enough to play your music at a party?— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 5, 2016
"KEEP THE PARTY GOING AT ALL-TIMES" pic.twitter.com/bVCQEVY5hW— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 3, 2016
For parties, evil villains make 7-lair dip, haha. My wife Debra wants to separate and honestly I don't know what to do— pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 8, 2016
Why Are Teens Chopping Off Their Fingers & Swallowing Them In Order To Throw Them Up At "Finger Parties" & Why Isnt Rihanna Stopping Them?— DVS (@DVSblast) February 23, 2016
At parties I roll up a bill from my wallet and ask the people around me "hey is everyone cool here" but then I just keep rolling up bills— some light crying (@somelightcrying) July 14, 2015
my party trick is that if u tell me the length and weight of ur baby i'll tell u if u can mail it in a shoebox and how much it will cost :)— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) February 24, 2016
earlier today i started thinking about the fact that i don't have a party trick and questioned the entire meaning of my existence— buckle bunny (@accessforbidden) May 20, 2015
You missed most of the party.— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) October 5, 2015
"I'm so sorry, I got here as soon as I wanted to."