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August 30, 2012

You're a fat, balding man who has a perpetual frown. But like your fallen henchman once yelled, "It doesn't have to be this way!"

You're fat, balding, and have a perpetual frown. You've got too many kids to count and even more wives. Your affairs are in constant disarray. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to have your cake and bake a file into it too. It doesn't have to be this way! They're last words you've heard a million fallen henchman say, but they're absolutely true.

Travelling is for the birds! Travelling can be a tiresome and lonesome ordeal, especially if you're constantly switching between forged passports and flushing evidence in the airport bathroom. Why not travel with a pet? If that pet happens to be a pelican, you'll be surprised at how easy it becomes to smuggle goods while doing so. Surprisingly vicious creatures, pelicans literally feed on the blood of other pelicans sometimes, so I doubt any border guard would have the cojones to mess with a guy who struts side-along a pelican. Befriend a pelican AND a kangaroo, and you may never have to check a bag again!

Hay is for horses!
You know as well as any working dad how hard it can be to decapitate a horse. It's something PETA frowns upon, and you don't want those guys dumping a bucket of red paint on your brand new suit, because that wouldn't be such a fun time for nobody and you've put people underground for less. Plus, have you ever stopped to consider how hard it would be to actually try and decapitate a horse? Even if it were sleeping, it's not like the horse with its big, beefy neck would just let that happen, if you were face to face with a horse wielding a weapon it would stomp you in the genitals like you were grapes at a vinyard. Might I recommend, that if one of your little bastards is lucky enough to make it to six and has a birthday celebration, that you use a pinata? When all is said and done and that thing has had the stuffing knocked out of it, then you sever the pinata's head. It's a festive take on an old classic that just screams,"I want my money, do you care about your legs!"

Something's fishy!
Thanks to the Depression, it can be hard to get your beefy hands on a bag of quick-drying cement at a rate that you can afford. Why not make killing a rat a family outing? A simple trip to the aquarium can teach that mook to keep his trap shut and teach the kids about marine biology along the way. Some open-concept exhibitions might even feature pits that have dangerous animals at the bottom of them. Having someone "mauled to death by a polar bear" can send a more direct and absolute message than having them "sleep with the fishes" ever could. Plus, if you live in a largely industrialized city, the fish population is probably negligible so this is simply a more eco-friendly and kid-practical solution. Aquarium employees have no right to complain, you just donated a freshly rolled carpet to them.

If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it!
Running an underground criminal circuit is bound to make you a little worse for the wear sometimes. Uh-oh! No sweat off your brow, though. You're better and stronger than the entire force put together. IKEA sells rolling cabinets for very cheap that are the perfect size for those bricks of stuff you have lying around. Don't feel guilty about asking others to chip in for a "Gas Potluck", where you and your co-workers siphon gas from cars around the city and keep a few cans by the door in case you need to make a quick getaway or torch the place to the ground. You can always feel free to mix things up with occassions like "Wacky-Bondage Wednesdays" and "Russian Roulette Fridays". Replace the rest of the canisters with whipped cream for an added chuckle. A staff outing might be fun, but unfortunately many of your co-workers aren't allowed in public and you can't risk getting your fingertips on any money or anything at a bar. Use your imagination and make like it's a prohibition. Though they may have seemed like a drag, remember that they were directly responsible for shooting megahunk Al Capone to superstardom. Look at the barrel as half-full! Release your prohibition, feel the rain on your skin! No one else can do it for you, only you can let it in! Get a "bootleg" up on the competition by brewing in your garage!

Wire you not caught up? Something else colloquial or referenc-y!
Believe it or not, wearing a wire actually works two ways. Though they've landed a couple of your boys in the slammer from time to time, why not use them to help you catch up on a little "mi" time? Next time you have your right hand man interrogate the head of a household, have them do so on Sunday nights because that's when HBO does the best stuff. While catching up on the lay of the land you'll also get to hear certain snippets of "Girls" from time to time!

There you have it! A thriving career, dare I say empire, in organized crime. Your best friends all have nicknames in quotations. And you did it all on your own a-tickin' clock. Because crime doesn't work 9 to 5, and neither do you!