A new study shows that no matter which country you live in, women do more unpaid housework like chores and child- and elderly-care than men. In the United States, women do on average 4.1 hours of unpaid work a day while men only do 2.7 hours of the same. One PTA Mom has decided to solve her housework problem by recruiting a second husband.

Hello fellow South Bayview Elementary PTA Members,

As a happily married woman, I benefit from a lot of what comes with having a husband: the regular sex, our wonderful offspring, a guy who’s always willing to haul heavy bags of concrete, and, of course, the regular sex. But my husband, like most husbands everywhere, just doesn’t pull his weight on work around the house. Therefore, I plan to get a second husband.

Look, I have three kids under the age of eight, an ailing mother, and a 3,000 square foot house that I take care of daily. Oh, and also a full-time job as an operating room nurse, making sure that Dr. Filippi doesn’t leave any metal forceps in people’s abdomens (only two so far this year!). It’s a lot of work, and with a husband who only does slightly more than half as much work as I do, a second husband is the only possible solution.

I bet you’re asking: “Kathy, is this a reverse-Mormon thing?” “Kathy, is this a reverse-fundamental-Muslim thing?” “Kathy, is this a wanting-to-finally-have-that-threesome-you-keep-mentioning thing?” Nope. It’s just practical. I need a second husband to pick up the unpaid duties that my first one isn’t doing. I’m a busy woman! I just don’t have the time for only one husband.

Plus, when you do the math, it would be a win-win-win for me and my two husbands. Here in America, women do about 4.1 hours of unpaid work each day and men do 2.7 hours daily. From my calculations, that means that each of my two husbands would only have to do 2.05 hours of work a day to equal my 4.1 hours. That’s less than what they would do if they each had a wife!

Better yet, if both of my two husbands kept doing the same measly 2.7 hours of housework they’re currently each day, I would have an extra 1.3 hours a day to do something else. I could use that extra time to check out that cute yoga/froyo place around the corner. Or finally catch up on episodes of The Good Wife, which I haven’t had time to watch since the second episode seven years ago. Or sleep more than three goddamn hours in a night. I’m just saying, maybe the three of us in this marriage could meet in the middle andall decrease the time we’re doing housework.

Now, I know what you’re thinking — why don’t you just get a wife instead of a husband, since she’ll gladly do 4.1 hours a day of work for you? I thought about that, but you know what? I like dick! (Fellow PTA board members, please calm down. I have dirt on each and every one of you bitches.) I’m thinking of that second household penis as an extra little bonus for myself.

And sure, I could just ask my husband to do more of the work around this house, but let’s be real, he’s got 2.7 hours in him each day and even that is an ongoing struggle. This is 2016, not 2178. Let’s not get crazy with our expectations.

So, PTA Treasurer Bob Mickelson … will you marry me?