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September 10, 2008


Actually, it is about puppies. So I'm half a liar.

So I have had two puppy training sessions in the past week, and I am now disenchanted with the entire business of pet ownership.

To start, our trainer, Laurie (no relation to satan), brought us over a shock collar with a remote control. You are supposed to press this button at the appropriate time to provide the offending dog with negative reinforcement.

Yeah, right.

I myself do not like the idea of shocking my dog, so I made the trainer let me put it on first for a try. I am absolutely retarded. No, actually, to say i am retarded is an insult to the genuinely mentally handicapped. It is more appropriate to say that I am dumber than a bag of poop.

Shockingly, the collar shocked me.

I am 6'4", 204 lbs. My dog is 2'4", 13 lbs (I checked). The collar makes me jump.

I of course couldn't wait to put it on the little fucker.

I must say at this point that there can be no stranger sight to a passerby than a dog which alternates between repeatedly jumping straight up in the air and chewing on his own asshole (I am told that the dogs always think the source of the shock is their buttholes). Seriously, though, it doesn't really hurt them or me. Don't call PETA or unsubscribe. I am just grasping at straws to get this little demon to stop biting before my little bundle of joy comes in a few weeks.

Actually, I am really a softie at heart. Whenever my wife leaves the first thing I do is take that goddamn collar off. I always forget to put it back on before she comes back, so I get to hear a couple times a day what an asshole i am.

In the end, my puppy has crumbled for a different reason. Dogs have been on this earth for tens, if not hundreds of millions of years. They are supposed to be wild. Man has been able to successfully domesticate them for only the last ten thousand years or so.

Do you know why?


That's right.

Laurie trainer lady happened to have herself a little bag of good old bacon. When all else failed, she gave my little bastard a bite of salted ham. I paid $550 dollars for a lady to come over and torture my dog, and tell me something that your average two year old knows: Dogs like bacon. What a mindblower!!

You mean that all I have to do is give him all the bacon he wants?

Oh, thank you. You have been so helpful!!

You know what makes large tattooed construction workers happy?

Gimme back my fuckin money!!