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Published December 03, 2011 More Info »
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Published December 03, 2011

Today, Herman Cain stood before a crowd to announce he's suspending his campaign.  Here's what I wish he said...

My fellow Americans, I have come here to give you a pizza my mind. The accusations that have been leavened against me have no merit, whatsocheddar. And they have bakin' a roll on my family. Some detractors say that I've lost my a peel. That no one can crust me. That I'm crazy bread. That my campaign is overcooked, I'm spinached and I should go straight to bell pepper!

Friends, this is my darkest flour. But I never expected this campaign to be yeasty as pie. I never expected to kick back with a margherita until election day. I knew that it would be hard salami. I knew I'd be hand tossed around and kicked in the mutz. I knew I'd have to take a garlic'in' and keep onion tickin'. But I'm only humanchego. I'm just oregano guy, not some evil Sicilian! You may find it hard to brie cheese, but I'm bread serious.

So what am I gluten here? Well first, I knead to say something to the press, the people in this very mushroom. And that is... stop saucing me, stop cheesing me off, and for god sakes leave my family calzone! And if you don't, I will artichoke olive you to death and bacon wish you were never corn. And if one of you escapers, I'll proclaim that I never sausage a thing... then I'll find you, beef your head in, cut you with chives, and eventually dill you... Chicago Style. Just sayin', you were warmed.

Secondly, I'm here to tell my wife that I oven her. I'm at pizza with herbs and she's at pizza with meat. And thirdly, the gouda news is... the Cain train isn't topping any thyme soon. I will not re-heat! I will bread stick it out! And in the end, we will deliver -- that much I can garnish you!

In closing, ask not what your country can dough for you, but what you can dough for your country. Don't fire up the oven until you see the slice of their pies. And last, but not yeast, cheese. Pretty cheese, with a cherry tomato on top... vote Herman Cain... pine, pine, pine nuts.

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